Affinity
by a red burn
Summary: Sam's feelings are changing. MS all the way. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter One

Title: Affinity  
  
Author: Andréa  
  
E-mail: jarhead_x@hotmail.com   
  
Summary: Sam's feelings are changing. Bad summary, I know....   
  
Rating: PG-13 for situation and swearing.  
  
Category: MS Romance. Little JS. Sorry it was needed....   
  
Spoiler: Fallout, The Bus, etc... I think almost everything from Fallout to now. (whatever now is)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.  
  
Author's note: The first chapter may be short and kind of pointless, that's because I started writing without any idea in my mind. English is not my first spoken language. You're warned. It's MS of course, hope you like it and review it! I wanted to do something from Sam's POV, so this is from Sam's POV ;) I don't know if Sam is one of swearing but hey, if it's in her mind, so who really cares? Since this is a MS fic, it's basically with Sam and Martin. You won't see many, probably almost none, scenes where both of them are not.   
  
Also, Martin and Sam Forum @ destinedto.proboards26.com - go take a look if you're MS fan.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Part One  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
It didn't hurt.   
  
For the first time I looked at him and it didn't hurt. No twist of stomach, no sinking of heart or want to cry. Nothing. I watched him as he walked around the table, distributing pictures to us of our new missing person. He stopped for a millisecond longer than he should in front of me and searched my eyes. I looked up at him, meeting his eyes defiantly, tilting my head slightly to the side as if asking him if he needed something.   
  
He looked away, somewhat hurt, I'm not really sure why; he shouldn't be feeling hurt, not at all. I'm the who should feel like my life had just broken apart - and I did for a long time. I felt as if a part of me had been ripped off, as if sand and wind was tearing my skin.   
  
As much as I don't like to admit it, Jack was a big part of my life; he made me feel something I didn't feel in a long time. I loved him; of course I did, but it wasn't enough. What he gave me wasn't enough. I lived for a long time with the 'gotta take whatever I can get' lifestyle but at some point something changed and I couldn't live like that anymore. I couldn't live with what Jack was able to give me. He only could take me up and down, like a yo-yo, but I needed to move forward.   
  
I was blind by what we had. By the affection and love he gave me, the sensations of being wanted; I wasn't able to see the darkness revolving around me. To see where our underground relationship was leading; too blind that it took me being shot to get to open my eyes.  
  
It was like I had just had an eye operation and the doctor took the bandage from my eyes. At first it was all fog and dull, I could only distinguish shadows and forms until I finally could see light and colors. I realized how bad our affair was, how wrong it was. I didn't want to be his mistress, I didn't want to be the other. I wanted something mine, something I could show, something that wasn't stolen.   
  
I think he realized it too because he ended everything between us.   
  
I was shocked, hurt, depressed... I don't really know. I couldn't rebound every time he touched me, I couldn't do whatever he wanted and wait till we were alone or wait for him to sneak out of his house to come to mine. I was still in that 'gotta take whatever I can get' fase when he said we were through. It took me time to recover. I felt like every inch of my being was evaporating; I needed stability, something of my own, tender love and care 24/7, and he couldn't give me that.   
  
The shot, the case, the end of our affair; I think everything came crashing down on me at once and Jack noticed so he made me go see the FBI counselor. I didn't want to, I hated the idea but I had to go anyway, so I did. It's hard for me to admit it but I guess it helped me; it made me feel better. The counselor was great, she told me truth right on my face, told me what she thought, told me I should move on, continue with my life; find someone to love - someone to truly love me.   
  
I accepted it; I did. I tried to forget Jack and the pain he caused me. I had kind of moved on during the summer, during the time I had to stay home because of my leg. I was looking for someone; I didn't notice that actually; I didn't notice I was looking for someone until Martin was there for me. Until we were having drinks after work.   
  
That day when Jack sent me home, I though; I wondered. I brooded about what I wanted from life, what my chances were. What I wanted to do with it now that I had my life back, now that I had everything again. I don't really now why I went back to the office that night, but I did. Maybe it was fate, maybe some angel was over me, watching me and sent me back here. Call it luck, call it intuition but Martin was there and he made me remember that day he asked me to get a drink sometime and that would be the perfect time to finally accept it. So I did.  
  
I never thought Martin could be so fun; never thought I could have so much fun with him. That first time we spent together, just the two of us, no work, it was wonderful. He dealt with my depressed self so wonderfully; he treated me with such care that I was amazed. He let me talk about whatever I wanted to talk, to complain and mumble as much as I wanted. He just sat there and listened to every word, without judging me.   
  
It was so great that we went out to have drinks as often as we could after work and it was like that for a long while until he turned me down. His words hurt me; I'm sure he didn't do that intentionally, but they hurt me anyway. I felt as if my heart was being torn again, felt as if he had betrayed me. I couldn't understand why I felt like that. We were just two friends going out for a drink, no attachment, no emotional connections, no commitment.   
  
But why did I feel like I was losing something?   
  
I had this question running inside my head since then, petulant, insistent; like a child pushing their mother to know why they couldn't do what they wanted, why their mother had said 'no'. It would fade away eventually, I was sure of it. But it didn't; it didn't fade away, it didn't stop annoying me. I didn't stop wondering. I shouldn't have felt any kind of bad feelings, I shouldn't. I turned him down once because no kind of relationship outside work would happen. I couldn't give him expectations because I was with Jack - he didn't know that of course - and it wouldn't be fair.   
  
I said no once. He had all the right to do the same.   
  
I glanced at him over the table. A quick stolen glance, which he shouldn't even know about but I looked at him just to find out he was looking at me first. I looked back down, at my hands, as I suppressed a smile from appearing over my lips. I wanted to know if he was still looking at me but I wasn't going to look again.   
  
Some time later (I still was fighting against myself not to look at Martin) Jack finished talking and teamed up everyone, except him. Danny and Martin would go talk with the boyfriend while me and Viv were going to the hospital where Katherine Robinson had been interned two days before disappearing.   
  
At least I wasn't teamed with Martin. A good start of day. I think...  
  
* * *   
  
2 days later.   
  
I stared at him sat at his desk as I put my coat on. I was wondering if I should ask him to get a drink. I don't know if I should, I mean, what if I did and he said no again? But I couldn't know if I didn't ask. Maybe he would say yes. I decided to just pass him by, occasionally, on my way to leave and say bye.   
  
I buttoned the lower half of my coat and slowly walked towards him. I remembered the time when we always went out for drinks, how we talked so easily and how, for some reason, he eased my mind. The time we spent together outside work is the time that I will likely cherish the most. I could be wrong at that, but I don't really care. It's just funny how when you look back at things, you finally notice how much you want it back. How much you miss them.  
  
"Hey." I practically breathed out, just a noise to catch his attention.   
  
He looked up and smiled a bit. I wondered if his tiny smile was a good or a bad thing. "Hey."   
  
"So humm..." I narrowed my eyebrows a bit as I went back and forth from wondering if I should or shouldn't. Should or shouldn't... "Do you want to get a drink or something?" Maybe I should after all.   
  
"Sure." His smile widened, not too much, but enough to give me hope. "Just give me ten minutes to finish here." He lifted the papers he was reading and I nodded.  
  
"All right." I smiled back, a smile bigger than I wanted to give him. Well, not really by my choice. What could I do if every time I saw him smile a smile of my own formed on my lips involuntarily?  
  
* * *  
  
"I'm ready." I looked up a bit startled by the sudden voice but as soon as my brain recognized the voice and the face and linked them together, I smiled at Martin more relieved. "Ok. Let's go then."   
  
I got up from my chair, where I pretended all the while I waited for him that I was doing something important and together we walked out of here. We took his car for no special reason. I mean, we could have taken mine but we just... took his. When we had to go home afterwards he would drop me off at my apartment and next morning I would just take a cab or something.   
  
It is a lot of work, I know, but hey, it was worth it.   
  
* * *   
  
If the damn telephone keeps ringing I swear I'll turn it into pieces, I thought tucking my head under the covers and pillows to stop the sound from reaching my sensitive ears. Ahhh, there it is, it finally stopped. With no sounds to annoy me I brought my head back from under everything and pulled my covers to my chin, keeping me warm.   
  
I was drifting back to dreamland when the ringing started again, but this time it was my cell phone. I sighed angrily and threw the covers away from me as one arm quickly reached for my cell on the nightstand. "Spade." I was really sleepy and you can imagine how my voice sounded. Not my fault.   
  
"Sam, we've got a situation."   
  
At the professional sound of Jack's voice, I sat up straight, forgetting completely about my peaceful sleep of two minutes ago and I, too, got into professional mode. "I'm listening."   
  
"A 13 year old girl went missing two hours ago. A woman saw her being taken by a black clad man. I want you and Martin at Lizzy Coleman's house, one of her friends, where she was last seen. I'm going to talk to the parents."   
  
"Ok. I'll meet Martin there."   
  
"I called him and he said he would stop by your place and pick you up."   
  
"Oh." Yeah, humm.... oh. So original, but it was the only thing that came out of my mouth. I was nervous already and for no real reason... "Ok." I hung up and got out of bed to get ready.   
  
I think I was still in a sleep state because somehow my foot got caught by the sheets and when I stood I fell head first on the floor, the thud of my body hitting the carpeted floor mixing with the throbbing in my head. "Oh crap..." I muttered, angrily taking the damned sheets away from me.   
  
But, like everything you do when you are angry, that simple little task became quite difficult.   
  
When I finally got free of these damned sheets I stood and walked to my closet, searching for something good and nice to wear. Wait a minute... something good and nice? Why the hell would I want to wear something good and nice? Oh hell... a simple small word: Martin.   
  
What the hell...  
  
* * *  
  
So I was ready. Red silk long sleeved blouse, black pants and boots and black jacket. Simple, informal, not too fancy, not too poor, good enough to work.   
  
I walked to the living room and headed to the door, then took the coat on the hanger beside the door. I put it on and grabbed my keys and as I opened my door I almost jumped out of my skin by seeing Martin right in front of me, hand up ready to knock.   
  
"For God's sake, Martin!" I breathed out in a big puff, my heart skipping a beat; for the startle or for seeing him, I'm not quite sure.   
  
"Sorry..."   
  
"No. That's ok." I gave him a smile to ensure everything was fine and he gave one in return. I stepped outside and locked my door. "You came quickly."   
  
He looked at me with that expression of confusion, for what I didn't know, and narrowed his eyes. "I took the same time of always."   
  
"Yeah... humm... Right." I said trying to understand why I was stuttering. Maybe it was because he was so handsome this morning; maybe it was because his after shave was smelling really good or maybe it was his personal scent traveling from his body to my nose. But whatever it was, it was making me trip over my own feet. I started walking down the corridor and he followed me right away. "Let's just... get this done with."   
  
"What did Jack tell you?"  
  
"Not much. Only that a thirteen year old girl went missing. I was hoping you'd fill me in." Aha, my voice was much stronger and more resolute. I didn't stutter. Ok, I wasn't looking at him so what? I needed to focus on my work goddamn it, not him...   
  
"Yeah, sure." He pressed the elevator button before I did it and we turned to look at each other. "Maryanne Hoyck was sleeping over at one friend's house, Lizzy and when Lizzy woke up this morning she couldn't find Maryanne so they called 911."   
  
"Since when you wake up so early when there is a sleep over?" I asked just when the doors opened with a 'ding'.   
  
Martin shrugged and held the doors open so both of us could get in. "I don't know. We don't even know why she woke up."   
  
"We're going to find out." I said, my eyes on him checking his handsome face as the doors closed with another 'ding.'  
  
* * *  
  
Coffee. Ahhh, warm, black and strong coffee. Just what I needed, I thought smelling the sweet scent from the vapor coming from the mug of coffee I had just put. Coffee. How can someone live without this wonderful liquid running in their body? I mean; it's basically the reason you can get out of bed. Without at least your morning coffee you can't go on the rest of the day.   
  
I hear someone's footsteps coming closer but I didn't really care. The hot coffee was about to touch my lips and this was more important. Unfortunately the coffee was too hot and I almost choked on it when my tongue felt the hotness of it, causing me to spit the liquid back in the mug before it could burn anything else.   
  
"You OK?"   
  
I think I smelled him before I heard. That scent of his was so unmistakable that I'd know anywhere which one was his. Oh my God! What am I doing thinking about this when, right now, the tip of my tongue is burnt and I can feel my heart palpitating on it? Wait a second; he asked me something, didn't he? Oh yeah, right, if I am ok. "Fine. The coffee is just too damn hot."  
  
"Ouch." He chuckled. "Burned tongue?"  
  
Was he mocking me? "It's not that hot. Why don't you try it?" I innocently asked handing him my mug.   
  
"No thanks. I think one burn is enough." He laughed, one finger pointing to his mouth.   
  
I started laughing too. Did he get burned too? Well, at least I wasn't the only one stupid here. Then I became all serious again. "So, did you find anything?" I asked after putting my coffee on the counter and walking beside him to where our desks were.   
  
"Not much. The people from school couldn't help much. There was this girl, Kayla, who said Maryanne started seeing a boy about a week ago, when she started acting different."  
  
"Different how?"   
  
"She started dressing differently, talking and hanging with different people. Things like that"   
  
"Did you find who this boy is?"   
  
"Yup. Rhett Muniz, 16 year old, dark hair, dark eyes. I couldn't find his address with any of their friends. I'll check it now."   
  
At this point we were both standing beside his desk. Martin sat and started searching in the Internet for the Muniz family. I just stood there... admiring him. He looked up, his eyes meeting mine then he smiled. God, that smile makes me melt. He makes me melt. I felt a smile forming on my face, I couldn't help it and soon I was smiling back at him.   
  
This is so stupid; I don't know what is this force pushing me to do things I never did, not because of or towards him anyway. This had startet a while ago, since I got shot to be precise. I started feeling things I've never felt before in my entire life, these feelings came rushing inside of me with such strength I was stunned.   
  
It was supposed to be some kind of message or something? Some kind of sign? It was my mind playing games with me because of the medication I was taking for the pain? Could even be the medication? Or was it all there already, since from the beginning and I was just too into Jack to notice? I remember I checked him out the first time I saw him, I even commented with Danny about his smile.   
  
I was, somehow drawn to him. I felt a burning in my belly and my heart skipped a beat whenever he was around, I felt happy when he was there, I felt that nervous chills ran my spine. But I didn't care about it because that's the way I felt when I was with Jack. And being with him was the only important thing I had in my lonely life. I couldn't trade something I was sure of for something I barely knew.   
  
I wasn't willing to take a risk.   
  
But it never left, I think. Those feelings I mean. They were always there, just not up in front. It never died down and deeply I think I didn't want it to. It was all coming back now. I was feeling it and it felt so strong and so... right. I just needed something to make me see it.   
  
Almost losing your life for some reason made you see things in a different perspective, a good perspective because you wanted to make the wrongs right. That was when I saw Martin in a different way, that was when I started feeling different things. That's when I started really seeing Martin.   
  
His name running in my head made me look down at him and as if sensing my eyes on him, Martin looked up. We didn't say anything and he just stared at me. He looked me directly in the eye and didn't speak a single word. My body tingled, my eyes locked on him and only him. I could feel emotions running through my body; too many to name, all of which I probably didn't even know the name.   
  
"It's searching." He said after several moments of silence, snapping me out of my thoughts and brought me back to reality. Back to him... and a few moments later the computer rang. We tore our eyes from each other to the computer screen, where several 'Muniz' showed.   
  
"Doesn't the school have his address?" I asked hopefully, seeing how many Muniz were there. I could count at last fifteen.   
  
"I asked but he doesn't study there."   
  
"We have such a work to do then." I bent down to look closely at the screen, completely innocent, but I ended up too close to him. Our skins were slightly touching, my face was near his and his scent was much stronger then. I tried to keep my cool, to stay calm and focused on the screen as I scanned it. "Here." I pointed at the screen, my finger gently touching the glass. "This address is the closest to the school."   
  
Martin took a notepad and wrote the address down on it then put it in his pocket. "Let's start with this one then."   
  
I nodded and stood at the same time he did. We walked over and while doing so, he stood so close to me I felt his arm rubbing mine and if it wasn't for the amount of clothes between our skins I would've felt his warmth right through our bodies.   
  
* * *   
  
I closed the door to my apartment and stumbled to my bedroom, taking off my clothes and throwing them on the floor on my way to my soft and warm bed, falling only in my underwear on the smooth mattress.   
  
Cold! I mean, err, it'll be warm as soon as the warmth of my tired body heat the cold sheets. I don't really care, tough. It's still ten pm but I'm so tired that I could sleep on anywhere my body fell. I crawled under the covers and rested my throbbing head over my soft pillow. Oh, my lovely and soft pillow. How I love you.   
  
I told you I was tired.   
  
* * *   
  
So, this is the first chapter... kinda pointless, I told ya. Review, please. I need to know if you want more. 


	2. Chapter Two

To summary and stuff, see part one.   
  
Author's note: So glad you like! Your reviews make my day, they're always lovely and sweet. Thank you. Justbeingme8870, I'm glad you go to the forum, but you should post too! And I'm really glad you like my fanart! That's what makes me want to do more ;]   
  
Martin and Sam forum @ destinedto.proboards26.com  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Part Two  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I took in a deep breath and let it out in a hard puff, my breath visible like smoke. I tightened my coat around me and crossed my arms to try and keep me warmer. Oh, God, how I hate the cold. I think I thought it out loud because I heard Martin laughing. "I do!" I whined.   
  
"I'm pretty sure of it."   
  
"You make fun of me." I protested. Making fun of me, hah!   
  
"Me, making fun of you?" He mock asked, pointing a finger at himself. "Never."   
  
I stopped walking and looked defiantly at him, but I wasn't feeling like getting into a 'fight' right now, so let's just leave it at that. It seemed he didn't take my response the way I wanted for him started laughing again. "Dork." I muttered and kept on walking.   
  
"You're really in a bad mood today."   
  
I stopped again, but this time in front of the building where the person we'd interview lived. "How did you figure it out?" It came out more as a hiss - not that I really cared - as I pressed the interphone button to call Lily Danes. To my lucky he took it well and chuckled instead of a bitter response. At that moment I was really pissed off for no real reason (yeah I didn't know why I was in a bad mood...) and didn't care if I hurt him or not, but looking back at things I'm glad he didn't feel hurt.   
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hi, is this Lily Danes?" I asked.   
  
"Yeah, it's me."   
  
"I'm from the FBI, could I speak with you, please?"   
  
"FBI?" She sounded a bit frightened and I understand her. They always felt scared when we showed up like that, not that they had a reason to worry. Well, most of the times they didn't. "Wha... what for?"   
  
"We just want to ask a few questions about Maryanne."   
  
"Oh, all right." A few seconds of silence, a buzzing sound let us know the door was unlocked. "Come in." She said again, through the interphone.   
  
Martin stepped in front of me and held the door open so I could get inside. He always did that, you know, always held the doors open or let me pass first, these little gentlemanly acts. And were little things like that I adore in him.   
  
"Thank you." I said as I passed by him. I don't know why I said it though; the words just came out of my mouth. I've never said that before to him, but they just... came out. I didn't look back at him after that. I think I was too... scared I guess to see his reaction to my thanks.   
  
* * *  
  
I looked at him, he looked at me and we both smile at the same time, just as if we had heard a joke, one that only the two of us heard. I felt like I was floating over clouds, like little winds were in my feet, like little red hearts were flying around my head and all that cartoon crap. Seriously, I'm sounding too dumb... but lately this word was fitting me very well.   
  
When my 'cartoon moment' was over - what lasted actually a few... seconds, much less than the eternity I thought - my eyes left his and my brain focused again on Viv and whatever she was saying. Well, pardon me, but right now the handsome man across the table was more interesting.   
  
My god... I shook my head at my own lameness. God, I don't know what's wrong with me... I mean; there's even something wrong with me? I was just feeling differently towards Martin, nothing else. Nothing confusing or complicated. End of history...  
  
Yeah, I wish it was that simple, because, really, it wasn't.   
  
* * *   
  
I saw him walking my direction with that boyish smile on his lips, a tiny one, as if he was trying to restrain the smile from appearing. I know that very well, I'm doing this a lot lately. I looked down pretending to read something and trying hard not to look up at him. I had to try to pretend nonchalant. Because, you now, boys like difficult girls. Well... that's what I learned in high school.   
  
"Hey."  
  
I looked up faking a bit surprised. "Hey." Oooo, there it comes, all the butterflies. So, faking is not a good thing because I didn't need to fake anymore. I felt my belly burning and shivering as the damn butterflies flew in there. Stop it right now! I said to myself but since when do you listen to somebody?  
  
"Are you busy or something?"   
  
"No. Not really." I smiled to ensure him and he smiled back. I think I make him nervous, that's cute.   
  
"Do you want to grab something to eat at the dinner on the corner? There is this new place they opened yesterday and I want to take a look at it."   
  
"That's a good idea. I'm starving." I said getting up. New place, huh? I passed by this new dinner today; it is really close.   
  
"Good." It was... relief that I heard in his voice? I shrugged it away anyway.   
  
I gathered my things and let it on the desk as I put my heavy coat on. I shivered just by the thought of going outside. We'd have to walk to there because the dinner was really close and there was no need to use cars, though it would be warmer. I buttoned my entire coat, except on my neck where I wrapped my beige scarf.   
  
"Let me help you."   
  
"What?" I heard what he had said but I was a little confused. He wanted to help with a scarf? I mean, I can handle a... scarf.... why would I need help to wrap a scarf around my neck? "Ok." Humm... not really what I wanted to say....   
  
I put my hands down and his hands took place instead. They slid to the back of my neck, where he re-arranged my scarf; he sent me chills as his fingers slightly touched the back of my neck. I wanted to take him, kiss him right there, be with him; but I had to fight the urge. I had to focus on something other than him, what was a little difficult since Martin was right in front of me, his fingers on my skin, his lips so close to mine...   
  
It would be so easy to just lean in and touch his lips... I think I closed my eyes because I don't remember what he did next, only that he patted my shoulder and said. "Done." He pulled back and looked at me, smiling brightly. He didn't take his hands off my neck, tough.   
  
I opened my eyes with a start, trying a failed attempt to recall when I had closed them, but as I said, failed... I looked down to my scarf and saw it effectively rearranged and with a well done tie, fastening both sides so it wouldn't loosen and fly with the wind away from me. "Thanks." I managed to say and he finally let go of me.   
  
Not 'finally' in the good sense, because having his hand on me was really good, but finally because if we stayed like that for a little longer I didn't know if I would be able to contain myself. I would end up kissing him.   
  
"Ready to go?" He asked, bringing me back to reality. Again.   
  
I took my things from over the desk, where I had let it, and nodded. "Yeah."   
  
"Let's go then." He stuck his hands inside his coat pockets and walked looking down. It was strange to see him like that, I mean; he seemed so shy and bashful. It was kind of cute, tough. I stuck my hands in my pockets, too, and walked beside him, stealing a few glances as I did so. I could feel something pushing me towards him, something that can't be put into words. Just something... I guess something special.   
  
* * *   
  
A hot and bubble bath was all I needed. Well, actually what I really needed was to sort all my feelings out, but right now the bath would have to do.   
  
I bent down to check on the water to make sure it wasn't either too hot or too cold then I took my bathrobe off and gingerly entered the tub, letting a satisfied breath come out of my mouth. This was so good. So heavenly. My body covered with white bubbles and only my head and the tip of my knees were peeking out of the water. I just needed a glass of red wine and candlelights to make my bath time perfect.   
  
Yeah, I know, I'm wanting too much. But, hey, I'm still a girl.   
  
I closed my eyes rested my head on the bathtub, carefully not to wet my hair; it was tied up but I could get it wet anyway. The hot water and peaceful silence was enough to lull me to sleep and I'd have fell asleep if weren't for all the thoughts in my head. As soon as I had closed my eyes images of him came rushing inside my head, making a little hard to relax. I couldn't relax if all I was thinking was him.   
  
It was so confusing. Whenever he was there, I felt like something I've never been before. It was like... I was more than happy. It was like he's the part who makes me feel so good... the that makes me want to be there, makes me want to get up every morning just to see him. It's weird to feel like that, the way a felt about Jack once upon a time - ok... not that long - but with Martin it's much stronger.   
  
I opened my eyes and tried to get the image of him out of my head, but no matter how many times I tried, he kept coming back. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was just supposed to be a friend and that's it. So why isn't it that way? Things would be so much easier; it'd make things so much simpler. Why life couldn't be easy?   
  
Because then it'd take off all the excitement of it, I remembered what one of my teachers said once.   
  
Well, mister, I don't need any more excitement. My life is enough excitant, thank you very much. Well, err, it isn't of much help to fight with myself... I mean, who would win?  
  
I looked out the window, focusing on something else than the image of Martin Fitzgerald, but with no much luck. I rubbed my eyes with my wet fingers, trying to keep my head from exploding. This headache was beginning it the bottom of my head. Things have just been weird lately and it was playing with my brain, causing major headaches at times.   
  
All of my free time I spent trying to sort things out, trying to understand this new, yet old, feelings. I wanted them to just go away and leave me alone, but at the same time I was glad they were still inside me. It was really good to have them, you know? The real problem was the entire package it comes with. I'm not sure what exactly, but these... feelings, they came with a big baggage, what was a real pain in the ass. Something I really didn't need at the moment.   
  
The hard and tiring job was enough to complicate my life. The sleepless nights of work, trying to find someone missing was consuming and wearing down. My life sucked enough to a lifetime.  
  
That was the big problem. My life. It was so empty and gray. Sometimes I felt depressed just for thinking that I'd go home and have no one there waiting for me. That I had no one to live for, not anymore. That if I died I would not leave someone behind, I would not leave even something behind.   
  
It is sad, I know, but that's how I went through life for a long time, until Jack came along. I seriously thought that he was mine and living for him was worth it. What I tried to wipe off of my mind was the fact that someone else thought the same way; Marie or Jack, you choose, because both had a lot more to live for than I had. Jack had a whole family and Marie had him and two little daughters and I just didn't fit in the picture, not that I really cared.   
  
In some way being shot at was a good thing because it made me realize all of this and open my eyes to someone else, someone that was really worth living for. And, damn, that's exactly where I get lost and confused because I don't even know if I can be with him, if I had the smallest chance to be with him or even if he wanted to be with me. Or better yet, why I cared so much. Why I was so worked up for something I wasn't even sure.  
  
All these questions without a single answer. It was unsolved, just a blank line, ready for the answer to be filled in. The problem was that I didn't have the answer and I was pretty sure no one else had. So, how would I fill the blank lines?   
  
* * *   
  
"You're different."   
  
His sudden inquiry, breaking the strange silence between us, startled me and I looked up a bit confused. "What?"   
  
"You've changed." Jack, instead of repeating his formerly question, asked another. Though the meaning was quite the same.   
  
I shrugged for the lack of better words. I mean, what could say to him? Physically I'm sure I've changed, but mentally? I don't know. I couldn't tell; this was something that other people noticed not yourself. But what did he really mean? If I had moved on? I changed the way I acted around him or something? Or that I'm having feelings for Martin? Yeah, a shrug was the best thing to do.   
  
But I still didn't know which way he meant. "What do you mean?" I asked after moments of silence. I needed to know, the investigator in me needed to know.   
  
He shrugged too and kept his eyes down, on the papers he was reading. "You're just different. Not in a bad sense of way. You seem more up than before. Is the therapy helping you?" He asked quietly without taking his eyes off of his portion of the task we were sharing.   
  
"I don't know. I don't feel different." Ok, so... the last bit was a lie, but I couldn't tell him about Martin and my confused state.   
  
"But you are. And it's a good thing." He ensured me as if I needed to know I was doing ok.   
  
I chuckled a little, but it was more to myself than really to Jack. "I really hope so." He finally looked up and then smiled at me and I could do nothing else than to give him a smile in return. With all that have happened we were still friends and I was happy with it. It meant that you still could have some kind of relationship with your formerly lover, or boyfriend, or whatever. It was good we still could sit near each other or look or talk to each other without a sense of uneasy or discomfort. Without feeling uncomfortable.   
  
I was really glad we still could be friends.   
  
* * *   
  
"... It's just... I don't know... weird." I rambled and stopped for a second to take a sip of my drink. "I can't open up myself with someone I barely know. And it's all about trust."   
  
"You don't trust her?" He asked, his voice so sweet and lovely that touched the very deep of my soul. It was something about him, he made me open up better than my therapist.   
  
I shrugged and took another sip of my drink. "It's just too soon. I can't open up like she wants me to. She wants me to sit there and tell everything about my life as if we were friends since forever."   
  
"But that's what therapists are for, to talk about your life." He stated matter of factly. Like I didn't know that...   
  
"I know... still... weird."   
  
"Isn't it because you have dark secrets?" He asked, his tone letting me know he was playing with me.   
  
I gave him a witty smile as if he was right and I did have dark secrets. Eventually it faded to a serious face. "I don't have dark secrets. There are some things I don't feel comfortable talking about."   
  
"Yeah. I know how you feel."   
  
"She doesn't understand that tough."   
  
"So tell her that, then. That you don't want to talk about some things."   
  
"She's a therapist. I'm supposed to talk about things I don't want to with her."   
  
"Exactly what I said."   
  
I chuckled at this. He had said that moments ago indeed. "Somehow you changed my opinion."   
  
"That's what I'm here for." he chuckled too.   
  
"No, you're here to listen to my ramblings and agree with everything I say." I joked but it felt like he didn't take it the way I wanted him to take.   
  
"All the time." He said seriously, his voice making me look at him and see the truth in his eyes. He was there for me, whenever I needed him. Suddenly I realized that our drink nights, somehow, had turned into a therapist session, one better than the one I had with my real therapist. When we had our talk over drinks I went home much more in peace and relaxed than with anyone or anything else.   
  
Bringing my eyes to my half full glass of alcohol, I wondered if Martin felt the same, in peace I mean. Did he like to spend time with me as much as I liked? "I like when we go out to have these drinks." I said quietly, without looking at him. It wouldn't hurt to let him know that little fact.   
  
I suddenly looked up, catching him staring at me, when I did so, he smiled at me, I smiled at him too. We smiled at each other and didn't say a word. We just stayed like that. I don't know if I was the only one, but I felt something there.   
  
"What is it?" I asked, my smile still playing on my lips.   
  
"I'm just glad you can open up with me like that. To know you have such trust in me."   
  
I narrowed my eyes; they focused on him and only him. Were these words actually said? Did he felt this way because I trusted him? Was this so meaning to him? My God, I was making so many questions to myself... and it wouldn't help because if I was asking that meant I needed answer and surely I couldn't give them to me. "You're my friend, of course I trust you."   
  
"I'm glad I am."   
  
"You are." I said again with much more vehemence, wanting him to believe that and trust me as much as I trust him.   
  
He gave me a bright smile that made my heart flutter and skip a beat. That made butterflies in me wake up and fly. I started getting nervous and my hands started to sweat. How stupid, I know, he just smiled at me. But that smile meant much more than all the others he ever gave. And I was the one who he was direction it to.  
  
I'm really happy we went out to have a drink that night. After my short talk with Jack I thought things couldn't be better that day, but I was wrong and, god, for the first time I am happy I was wrong.   
  
* * *   
  
End of par two. So, did ya like? Please, tell me! Review and let me know if I should continue. Your opinion is very important to me. 


	3. Chapter Three

To summary and stuff, see part one.   
  
Author's note: A little angst in this part. If we're inside Sam's head we may as well see the bad side too. Thanks for all the reviews. And if you read this fic at the forum, you can still review it here since you didn't do it there... please...:P   
  
I can't show Martin's feelings like I do with Sam. Since it's her POV, we only see what she sees and if she doesn't see Martin's feelings for her, we won't see it either... and about the dialogues it was my intention at first to keep it at minimum, only showing what was important to know. I can't do much about it now, coz I have this fic done... sorry :P but I hope you like it, anyway. :]  
  
Martin and Sam forum @ destinedto.proboards26.com  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Part Three  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
God, it was becoming almost unbearable, I was seriously crushing over him. I really was. A thought of love even crossed my mind, can you believe that? I'm not saying it was something bad, or… or sick, or unthinkable or whatever. It's just that... I don't know... Love... kind of a bit strong don't you think? I mean, love... it's an important word to be used randomly. It's just... I don't know...   
  
Martin... He made me feel so good, like nothing bad had or would ever happen to me. He made me feel like I was at the top of everything, like I could do everything. He took the best out of me and nobody had ever done that before. He made me feel... complete, whole.   
  
Just his presence was enough to give me hope, to make me feel as if everything had a solution, as if everything could end up well. He made me feel as if our cases weren't so bad like some of them actually were. He worked with such passion and devotion that made me believe we would find every missing person and give them back to their family. He made me forget that in the end I would leave and go home, a place where I would be alone when the only thing I wanted was the night to end and I went back to work, where I'd find him again.  
  
All I wanted was to hear his voice, hear the melody from it that could only be heard from my own ears. I wanted that smile only he gave me to form across my face. I longed to see him soon than I should. I wanted to see his handsome face and feel the warmth it sent through my body.  
  
I wanted to be with him if even for a moment.   
  
* * *  
  
"Do you think he killed her?" I asked without taking my eyes away from he glass window, where our suspect was.  
  
John Meyer kidnapped Arleen Carter due to his 'infinite' love for her but she didn't want anything with him. John was so in love with her he took her from her home and turned Arleen into his hostage girlfriend, forcing her to live his maniacal fantasy of perfect life and now that they had caught him, John was refusing to say where Arleen was.   
  
"I don't know." Martin was standing beside me, looking through the glass too. "I think he wouldn't harm her because of his feelings, but at the same time I think he would do anything to keep her with him and be all his."   
  
I quickly glanced at him, scanning his profile. "Do you think there is such a strong love like this?"   
  
He shrugged, didn't look at me. "I don't know, but I hope so." Then he smiled and I sensed it somehow, and I smiled too. "But I sure wouldn't force someone to love. He should have done the right thing."  
  
"The right thing?" I asked, really curious this time. I turned to him and rested my side on the glass, crossing my arms in front of my chest. I wanted to know what was the right thing to him, if he was the romantic kind or which one he was.  
  
He looked at me with twinkles in his eyes as tough he was proud of what he was going to say. "You know, sent flowers, asked her out, he should've done nice things."   
  
"He did that."   
  
"He didn't. He was too possessive and sticky; no one likes that. He should have done nice things and if she didn't respond, waited for her until she was ready. If she never came to her senses, then she wasn't for him."   
  
Oh my. Did he really say that? So, Martin was definitely the romantic kind. How sweet. His words were really sweet and somehow, in a strange way, they comforted me, they warmed my heart and sent a welcoming peace to it. Strange, huh?   
  
He shrugged embarrassed and looked away from me. "But that's just my visions of things."   
  
"Well, it's really sweet what you said. A girl would be lucky to have you." Sweet Lord. Did I just say that? Humm.... oops.... slipped out of my mouth? Holy crap, there must be a way to undo this! There have to be.  
  
"Thank you." Ok, so, I had no time to think about something before he could say his thanks. But it seemed I did something right. It's amazing how, without noticing or thinking you say just the right thing.  
  
"You're... humm, welcome." It was my turn to become shy. God, was I blushing?? I felt my cheeks burning and it could only be blush. For the very first time he made me blush. I didn't know what else to do or say, I just had to find a way to hide my face until me cheeks were with their normal color again. To my ever present luck, me cell phone rang, giving me a reason to turn away from him.   
  
* * *   
  
His eyes were so soft and his face was so relaxed. I couldn't stop looking at him, well... staring... as we sat across each other on the conference table, papers scattered all around us. We were still trying to find Arleen, using every kind of clues we had up to that moment. John still hadn't told us anything, neither if she was alive or dead.   
  
I couldn't stop looking. I just couldn't. Every time my eyes went up to him I tried to bring them down but they were failed attempts, for my eyes went back to him seconds later. I swear I really tried to focus on my job but it was really hard when Martin was around. And then there was his smell. Oh my God, that smell. His scent was wonderful and pleasant; it was a kind of smell you want to have right under your nose to feel it all the time.   
  
I don't know how he didn't notice, how he hadn't looked up at me yet. I mean, it was so ridiculous. I was just sitting there, across from Martin and gazing at him. I watched as he went through some papers reading them, then ran a hand through his hair and sighed heavily as his eyes slowly closed. I looked down at my own papers and tried at least to pretend I was reading but my eyes insisted to go back to him.   
  
Suddenly he looked up, directly at me and I brought my eyes down as quickly as I could. Yup, he had finally sensed me looking at him. I stayed like that for a few moments then when I thought he wasn't looking anymore I looked back at him.   
  
"What?" It came from Martin, his eyes down on his papers. He hadn't even looked at me to make sure I was staring at him.   
  
"Nothing." I muttered, my voice was so down I thought only me had heard. He didn't say anything else and I think he kept on doing his work. At least one of us was.   
  
The next time I looked up I was caught by surprise to see Martin looking at me first. Our eyes met and I felt something shaking in my belly. I felt my heart fluttering and all the feelings rushing back inside me as he looked at me and didn't speak a single word. He tilted his head to the side as if asking me something, there was this gleam in his eyes that made them shine even more, his beautiful blue eyes were shinning to me and only me.   
  
"What is it?"   
  
"... Nothing...?" I half stated half asked, well, one of the two would be the answer.  
  
He shook his head and leaned in over the table, closer to me. "There is something in my hair?" He joked, maybe to alleviate whatever tension could be there.   
  
I smiled. "Like your hair was long enough to have something in it."   
  
He chuckled and kept looking at me. He just wouldn't stop looking at me. "So what is it?"   
  
For some reason we were speaking so softly and somewhere along our conversation I had leaned in the table too and we were even closer. I bit my lip not sure of what to say to him, I hesitated for a while and finally something came out. "You just... looked cute."   
  
He put on a surprised smile and narrowed his eyes. "Cute?"   
  
Ok, now my hands were sweating and shaking and all the butterflies were there. I started twisting my hands nervously in a failed attempt to stop them from shaking and bent my head down. I couldn't look him in the eye right now. I tried to speak, but no words came out. I tried again and nothing... I shrugged then. If you are in a lack of words, a body movement is your best way out.   
  
"Well, you're really cute, too."   
  
My head snapped up, my eyes right into his. He said I was cute? I felt a big happy smile spread across my face. See what he does to me? Just because of a simple word, one that had come out of his very mouth, made me melt completely dumb, made me smile like a stupid teenager. He made me feel like I was a teen again. I felt myself blushing again. Sweet Jesus. That was the second time in one single day.   
  
I smiled at him and he smiled at me. His smile, it meant something, it started something. I felt that right at that minute it all began.   
  
* * *   
  
"Do you feel different?"   
  
I shrugged not really caring about what she was saying. Therapy. The word gives me the creeps. I hated that I had to go to this sessions when I could very well be with Martin, having drinks somewhere instead of being here talking about my life with... her. "He said I am."   
  
"So, you must be different for someone noticing it."   
  
"In a good way, I hope." I practically repeated the same words I had told Jack a while ago.   
  
"It depends on your vision of good."   
  
I glanced at Lisa, I'm sure my face held a serious expression. I was twisting my hands again. I hate that, I hate to feel so vulnerable, to feel without control. I played with the tip of my nails and fingers, a very well known way to free some of the tension. It was months already that I was seeing her but I still didn't felt comfortable enough to open myself the way she wanted.   
  
"And there is a wrong kind of good?" I asked quietly, my eyes now down on my hands.   
  
"We could say so."   
  
I kind of smiled confused. Shouldn't she help me to figure things out instead of putting confused thoughts in my head? "Such as?"   
  
"Such as..." She thought about one example; the silence while she did so was very welcoming. "Honesty. It's a good thing to be honest but when you are too honest you may end up hurting someone. Or like freedom. When you give too much freedom to someone it can end up causing harm."   
  
"So, you mean that too much is a bad thing?"   
  
"Basically. When you want too much you may end up with nothing."   
  
"When you want something, when you wish something it is always too much. Young people dream with a lot of things, so this means it's a waste of time to dream? It isn't worth it? You mean they shouldn't want things because if they want too much they will most likely end up with nothing?" I started to ramble on and on. I didn't really wanted to say so much but it's like the words were just coming out. "So I don't need to worry about anything because I have nothing already, just to begin with..."   
  
"Samantha." She put a hand up trying to catch my attention but when I didn't stop talking she called my name louder. "SAMANTHA." I stopped and brought my eyes from my hands to her. "There is no need for a defensive attitude. No one is attacking you." She said softly, her words cautious and soft, as if she was talking to a child.   
  
See? I hate this. I just hate coming here. I hate talking to her. I hate all of this. I hate to talk about my life, about what I do and what I think. This was supposed to be personal. Every time I came here I always lost sleep because I stayed all night thinking on and on about what she said and things that eventually crossed my mind. And I hated to think about lots of things because it made me depressed. I hated to think about how lonely my life was, how empty I felt.   
  
And most important, how I felt about someone and hadn't the courage to say anything to him.   
  
Sometimes I just feel as if I'm about to explode.   
  
* * *   
  
I felt salty drops running down my cheeks and wetting my lips. I leaned back heavily on the wood door of my apartment and let my tears ran freely over my face, dimming my eyes and wetting my skin. I didn't want really to cry but at the same time I felt the necessity to do so, to let everything out of my body, to easy my mind.   
  
I slid along the wood until I had ended sitting on the floor, my keys dropped from my hand to the floor next to me. I bent my legs and brought my knees closer to my chest and with my hands covering my wetted face, I leaned my head on my knees.   
  
I felt so bad, so, so incapacitated. Suddenly a sob escaped my mouth and using the opportunity, other followed and then another. I was crying so hard to the point of having big and breath taking sobs. I tried to stop them but they were just too stronger than I was and my cry was harder than what I could stop.   
  
I felt like I was made of shit, like I was a garbage can and was full of filth. Like I worth nothing and my life was just a waste. I always felt like that after my sessions. It was weird because she was supposed to make me feel better, that our talk was supposed to make me feel better. But it didn't, it never made me feel good with myself because she made me think about things I didn't want, things I wanted to have and I needed, but I didn't.   
  
Eventually my sobs slowly stopped and my cry slowly faded away. Although, I stayed sitting on the floor, my hands covering my face. I just wanted some peace, some comfort. I told my therapist once that my work was my life, just because I actually didn't have a personal life, I have nothing other than my job. But it didn't mean I wanted it to be like that.   
  
I felt so weak, so handicapped. I hated that too. I didn't want to feel weak; I didn't really need that. What I wanted to feel was… whole. There was this missing piece inside of me and without it, I wasn't fully complete. I needed something to the pain, something to bring me up when I fell, something to keep me looking ahead when all that had was shit behind me. All this shit pushing me down more and more. I really needed something to pull me up.  
  
Or somebody...   
  
* * *   
  
I couldn't sleep. As much as I tried I just couldn't sleep. I think the little breakdown earlier had really affected me this time.   
  
I laid in my bed, my head throbbing and pulsating. I was a complete mess, both emotionally and mentally. The streetlights provided clarity enough to form shadows in my bedroom, causing random pictures here and there. I pulled my blanket up to under my chin, tightening it around my body and stayed looking up at the white ceiling.   
  
I had taken a warm bath and two pills of aspirin before going to bed and though the bath helped me to relax physically, neither it nor the aspirin could make my headache go away. I felt like crying again but this time, with more control over my body, I was able to keep the tears at bay.   
  
Still I couldn't sleep.  
  
I rubbed my eyes and turned so I was laying on my side. I tried to snuggle into my pillows and blanket thinking that maybe if I was comfortable enough sleep would come quicker and easier. Bull. If anything I was even more awake. My eyes were burning now due to the tears I was holding back and this time I couldn't stop a couple of them from running down my cheeks.   
  
I furiously wiped them away with more force than was necessary, causing my skin to burn from the impact of my hands. "Goddamn it." I whispered. I seriously didn't need to feel like that. I didn't. There was enough shit in my life to make it complicated and difficult. And I didn't even have a real personal life, so you can imagine.   
  
Every thing was too silent, especially to New York, even if it was almost midnight. I sighed deeply and closed my eyes. After several tossing's and turning's I knew sleep would come eventually.   
  
* * *   
  
"You look like hell."   
  
I silently sighed and looked up with a halfhearted smile on my lips. "Thank you, Martin. You're so incredible nice."   
  
He didn't buy my not so joke… joke. "No, seriously." He took the nearest chair and set it beside mine at my desk, then sat, his eyes searching mine. I looked quickly at him and regretted it because this move gave Martin enough information. "Have you been crying?" He asked, his voice honestly concerned.   
  
Yes, I have been crying. A wave of sadness suddenly came inside me and I felt like crying. I felt like something really bad had happened to me. I excused myself from Viv and ran to the bathroom, locking myself in there as quickly as I could before I made a scene in the middle of the FBI. I didn't breakdown like yesterday but a few tears still found their away out of my eyes. I was feeling so depressed lately anything was a motive to make me sad and want to cry.   
  
"No." I said instead. I was proud of myself to have such a steady and strong voice right now, way more than I was feeling. I was falling apart inside.   
  
He put a gentle hand on my shoulder. I felt it stiffening and relaxing again, as if he was struggling with himself, then his hand reached up and put a rebel lock of my hair behind my ear. I think he believed this would make me look at him, but I didn't, so he had no other option than to ask me so. "Sam, look at me."   
  
With his hand still on me, softly resting on my cheek sending a strength I didn't know was possible, I turned my face and when I did so our gaze, eyes melt together. He stared at me for quite a while, waiting for me to say something I guess, his eyes never leaving mine. It was as if he was studying me, trying to discover what was upsetting me so much, since I didn't speak a word.  
  
With no words needed, he just reached out and his arms enveloped me in a warm and comforting hug. I let myself enjoy this new found pleasure and buried my face in his neck, his smell strong as ever and right into my nose. One of his hands was on my head stroking my hair and the other was mapping small circles on my back.  
  
Holy mother of God. I'd never even imagine his touch could be so soothing and good and comforting. I'd never thought being in his arms could be this wonderful. While he embraced me I was lost in my own happy world, just letting the feelings I had for him overwhelm me. He felt so good in my arms, so perfect. I wanted to take him, kiss him right there.   
  
"Therapy going pretty well, huh?" Him whispering that in my ear sent an electric chill throughout my body.   
  
I softly laughed, my breath in his neck. "Tell me about it." I said, finally pulling back.   
  
He didn't take his hand off of my face, and kept caressing its skin softly, just staring at me for a long while. It was like time had frozen and everyone else in the world had disappeared and there were only us there. The way he looked at me was stunning. He held such care in his eyes... it was just too much sometimes.   
  
But not this time. No, this time I welcomed him with my own eyes; somehow they spoke with his and let a silent agreement between us. His hand on my face was almost making me lost, his intense gaze was almost making me open up completely, making me want to talk to him about my feelings, about everything that was upsetting me. But I couldn't. It was just too soon. Well, and I didn't have enough courage to do so.   
  
Funny, I always called myself fearless Samantha, the one who didn't have fear of anything, the one who could do anything. Funny how you needed just a small thing to change all your life. "Thanks." I whispered, having strength enough to tear my eyes from his.   
  
He narrowed his eyes in confusion and smiled playfully. Oh my god, that cute smile I loved so much. I started to melt again. "For what?"   
  
I shrugged not really sure of what to say. "Just for... just thanks." My eyes were down, staring at my hands, I'm not sure why. I mean, a handsome man right in front of me and suddenly my eyes decide my hands were an important thing to look at.   
  
When I was going to look at him again, he did it for me first. The hand on my face went to my chin, his fingers gently turning me to face him. "I'm always going to be there." He whispered to me. "It doesn't matter when you need me or what you need me for, I'll always be there for you. Always. The only way I'm going is if you want me to. You just need to say so."   
  
I squinted my eyes trying to hide back the tears that slowly were forming in my eyes. I blinked several time to stop them and was very well successful, well, not completely because the contour under my eyes were a little wet and they were probably red, but it was a start. "I don't want you to go." Ok, so I wasn't all that successful because my voice was trembling and teary.   
  
"So I won't go."   
  
I nodded, my voice now too weak to come out. Suddenly, without asking for permission a small, tiny sob escaped my lips. It made no real noise other than a small puff of air and tremble of lips, but it was enough to make Martin hug me again.   
  
I let my arms wrap around his neck, pulling him closer to me, needing to feel his warmth and take some of his strength. I really needed some. He hugged me tightly and softly, all at the same time and after a while he pulled away.   
  
"Do you want to go somewhere? You seriously need to talk and I'm here if you want."   
  
I nodded again. Now I had more control over my tears and they stopped forcing exit. His hand left my cheek to take my own hand and pulled me up from my chair as he did the same. He didn't take his hand away from mine and I was grateful for that because I really needed his touch right now.   
  
* * *   
  
End of part three. Yay! Review, please 


	4. Chapter Four

To summary and stuff, see part one.   
  
Author's note: Big speculation here. I have no idea when Sam's birthday is nor how old she is so I just chose an age randomly and also the month in which she was born; though I don't exactly state the month here but since I'm posting this fic now it's obvious which month I'm talking about.   
  
Also, thank you all the nice and encouraging words. Reviews are always wlecome :]   
  
Martin and Sam forum @ destinedto.proboards26.com  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Part Four  
  
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'If she's not helping you, so stop seeing her.'   
  
It ran in my head over and over again. Martin and I had gone to eat and we talked, really talked. He made me open up in such a way no one had never done before. I felt so at easy; I just opened myself up and told him everything that was in my mind, everything that was bothering me. Well, not really everything... I left my mixed feelings for him out of our conversation. I couldn't tell him anything about it before I had my head in place again and everything sorted out.  
  
'If she's not helping, so stop seeing her.'   
  
He said that after hearing all my ramblings, everything I had to say about Lisa and he came to the conclusion that she wasn't making me feel any better. Maybe he was right, maybe I should juts stop seeing her, but then Jack'd annoy me for the rest of my life. And why would I need a therapist if I had Martin anyway? He was as good as any shrink, maybe better because he didn't judge me.   
  
Lisa didn't judge me either... She listened the way a therapist should, there was nothing wrong with that. She just made me think about things I don't want to, bringing memories and feelings I wasn't ready to face yet. But that was what they were for, therapists, I mean; they make you think about these same things you don't want to and face them to finally get rid of it.   
  
Maybe she wasn't pushing me down, maybe she was making me use these same bad things as a stairway to reach the top, to reach the far away exit.   
  
Maybe I shouldn't stop seeing her after all.   
  
* * *   
  
A Few Days Later...  
  
"Sam?"   
  
I looked up and met Danny's smiling face. Very, very suspicious... "Yes?"   
  
"What's the thing you want the most?"   
  
"Excuse me?" I narrowed my eyes staring at him confusedly.   
  
"I was wondering... everyone has something they want the most. You?"   
  
"Me what?" God, I was sounding retarded... Duh, I knew exactly what he meant but I was still confused as to why he was asking me that.   
  
"Sam..." He whined. Danny Taylor whined, right there in front of me. How I wish I had one of those cell phones you can take pictures. This would be one of those Kodak moments. "Stop pretending you're stupid. It doesn't suit you."   
  
I turned on my chair so I was facing him fully. He was leaned in my desk, his hand on it supporting his weight. I tilted my head and squinted my eyes at him. "Why do you ask?"   
  
"I'm curious."   
  
I kept staring at him for a long, long moment, just waiting to see if I'd win and he would finally say or do something more relevant. But he didn't. "My life is fully complete, I have everything I need and want." Jesus, where that speech came from? Seriously, that was dumber than my faked being stupid. It seemed I had learned the text and repeated it to him as if I was in a conference.   
  
He tried so hard to restrain a laugh, but it was impossible for soon he started laughing. "Oh God. I never can talk seriously with you, can I?" He straightened his body and winked at me. "It seems I have to figure it out myself, then." He patted my shoulder and went away. Just like that. He was gone and I didn't know what was all that about...  
  
* * *  
  
Martin and I... we were getting awfully closer lately. Since the day he turned me down on my offer to get a drink we started to deviate away from each other, what was too bad. Fortunately some time ago I had the courage to ask him again and since then we were really hanging out a lot.   
  
There was friendly talk during cases, having drinks after work as often as we could, staying late at the FBI talking about nothing in particular. They were small things but it was things like that that pulled you closer to someone. Getting to know someone was the right start of a healthy and long term relationship and, saying it or not, that was exactly what I wanted.   
  
I loved to hang out with him. We talked so easily, my nervousness kind of went away as I listened to him talking, as I heard the soft melody of his voice. He made open up and talk to him like anyone had ever done before.   
  
But that you already know.   
  
It's hard not to talk about the person you have a crush on. It's hard to keep them out of your mind, even if for a moment. Especially if this someone was a person so perfect like Martin. I know... I know there isn't such a thing as perfect, but to me, he was.   
  
He made me feel so good about myself; he made me feel as if I'm the most important thing in the world. As if nothing bad would happen to me, he made me actually know that there was something pleasant out there, something worthy; and not by him saying so, just by the simple presence of him being there. The way he looked at me with that look that nobody had ever given to me before, just made my heart flutter. He gave me these things, these feelings, that were so unknown before. And I wish I knew what all this is about.   
  
He just got through me and managed to find a spot inside me. And I just let him. I let him crawl inside my body, take control of everything - mentally, psychologically, physically - and I was fine with it, really. The only thing annoying me was all these mixed feelings. I needed to know exactly what I was feeling for him. It wasn't lust, I was sure of it, and even if it was, it would be easier because it'd be only physical attraction. But it wasn't. I cared for him. I really did and I didn't want to harm our building friendship with sex.   
  
I had feelings for him, feelings which ran deep and made me wish I was with him and think about him every waking moment. It's confusing, but so is love. See, it popped up again... not that I don't mind, I don't. It's just... I just thought it was too soon for that, to soon to be love.   
  
It's so confusing... but it's something you have to experience and I was confused myself, this whole love thing was a bit disturbing, complicated. It couldn't be love at first sight - if it was even love - because, well, it wasn't first sight. Unless... unless when I first saw him I didn't notice these feelings because I was too focused on Jack but now that I'm not with him, that I found a new perspective I noticed, I was feeling what I could have felt long before.   
  
... My God... what was I musing about? I had that part covered... I knew I felt something for him before; I just didn't bother to look into it more closely.   
  
I was losing my mind. I couldn't be in love with him, I just couldn't. We just started being good friends, I couldn't mess everything up with love. Not that it's a bad thing but... What if he didn't feel the same, what if what he felt for me was just lust? I didn't feel like having another failed sex relationship in my list. I wanted him to always be there, not just a bed partner, but to be there for me.   
  
.....  
  
.....  
  
Wasn't that what he had said to me a while back?  
  
* * *  
  
"The guy was nuts." I exclaimed just after putting my glass of merlot down. Good wine, nothing better than this with someone you like. Humm, err...   
  
"Was he? Or it was just you, too drunk, too helpless, too cocky?" He asked with an eyebrow up there, his voice clearly joking.  
  
I mock gasped and put a hand over my chest, right where my heart was palpating and put on a fake hurt façade. "I never was, and I do repeat, never was and never will be cocky."   
  
He chuckled, though he was trying really hard to keep it to himself. "Yeah, right."   
  
I was perplexed. He, Martin Fitzgerald was calling me cocky, right on my face. I'm not cocky. Am I? "Do you seriously think I am cocky?" This time my voice sounded too serious and I think I worried him. The truth was that I needed to know what he thought of me, his opinion was really important.   
  
I met his eyes when he looked at me and saw he was really surprised by my sudden change of attitude. He put his glass of scotch down and reached to touch my hand. I felt a jolt of fire running from where his skin touched mine to the rest of my body. The butterflies he gave me came, my heart fluttered and my breath caught in my throat.   
  
"Sam, I was joking." He squeezed my hand. "You're one of the most wonderful women I've ever met. You shouldn't take things so seriously."   
  
My eyes went from his to where our hands were joined. He was radiating warmth from his skin and I felt it like fire, plus my own fire by the sensation of his touch. I wanted to put my other hand over his and touch him too, but I fought against it. I bit my lip trying to keep myself from doing exactly it. His thumb was softly caressing me, playing with my skin. His touch was wonderfully soothing.   
  
"I don't." I finally managed to say, my eyes going back to him. I cleaned my throat quietly to make my voice steadier. "Your opinion is... important to me."   
  
He shone a beautiful, sweet smile at me. Me and only me. "Thanks." He took his hand away slowly, the feel of his warmth already missed by my body.   
  
"Why?"   
  
"It makes me feel especial." He smiled at me; I smiled back at him. It was funny because he was the one who made me feel special.   
  
* * *  
  
"I've changed." I stated to Lisa.   
  
"Have you?" She asked but didn't sound surprised.   
  
"Yes."   
  
"And how's that?"   
  
I got up from the couch and started pacing. Keep moving is a good thing to do if I don't want to look at her in the eye. "I'm having... feelings, I'm feeling differently towards someone I thought I'd never even give a chance before."   
  
"Really? Why do you think this happened?" Even if I was walking around, Lisa always kept her eyes on me. I didn't like that, to be watched. I felt his eyes on my and it was creep, it felt uncomfortable.   
  
I shrugged, nothing better to do, as I touched a very unfamiliar object on her desk. "I don't know... I didn't really expect it, but things happen that you don't expect to."   
  
"That's true." She nodded that way you can't tell if she's thinking you're silly or if you're completely right. "Why having some kind of relationship with him never crossed your mind? Was he that bad?"   
  
I chuckled and closed my eyes to recall the early months of two years ago. Instead of discovering the reason I thought bad of Martin, images of him filled my head, his face haunted me. "I don't know." I said quietly, slowly shaking my head. It was a lie, of course I knew why a relationship with him was out of question: Jack. I couldn't tell her that. "He's wonderful. He's nice and kind. He always was. I'm not sure why I despised him."   
  
"Does he know how you feel?"   
  
"I don't think so."   
  
"Why not? He doesn't feel the same way?"   
  
"He used to feel something for me. I don't know about now. And I don't know what exactly I feel for him." I stopped pacing and sat again on the couch. She was staring at me; she never stopped doing so. I hate that.   
  
"You are scared then."   
  
"Basically." I said resolute. My hands weren't shaking or twisting, they were on both my side, over the couch. I wasn't feeling nervous and my voice was strong and correct. Talking about him was making me feel good, much different from my nervous attitude every time I talked with Lisa.   
  
Talking about Martin was comfortable, I felt like I was telling a friend about my crush and it felt good. Felt very good to take all this weight from inside me.   
  
* * *  
  
I walked towards my desk with a mug of warm coffee in my hands. Just as I set my mug down Martin came behind me. I felt him rather than heard him coming. His smell was the first thing that I noticed.   
  
"It took you a while."   
  
I whirled to face him resting my back on the edge of my desk. I had that big smile on my lips and a warm feeling in my heart. After the talk with Lisa I was feeling much better and it was the first time because I always felt bad. This time all I could feel was pleasure. "Same as always." I said, now resting my hands on the desk on each side of me. "Didn't know you were counting."   
  
He smiled at that and crossed his arms on front of his chest. "I wasn't." He tilted his head to the side and his eyes glistened. He locked eyes with me and I felt warmth building within me. All the butterflies were there; the feelings came again. It was hard to breath normally.   
  
I smiled shyly and bend my head down, tearing my eyes from his. Though I wasn't seeing him, I could feel his smell. The ringing of his cell phone made me look back at him.   
  
"I have to go." He said putting his cell back in his pocket. "They found a person I was looking for."  
  
"OK."   
  
"See you later." He said and turned to go.   
  
I watched him walking away from me, each step further away. The joy he brought me was now gone, but I can still smell his scent, his wonderful scent.   
  
"Is my distinct impression that you two were flirting or am I wrong?"   
  
"What?" I focused my eyes and noticed Danny standing right where Martin was.   
  
"You two were impudently flirting." The words came out of his mouth too amused, I noticed.  
  
"No. We weren't."   
  
"All right." He chuckled out the words, visibly not believing me. He crossed his arms just like Martin had done and stared at me. "Come on, Sam, tell me. What's going on?"   
  
"Nothing's going on." I crossed my arms, too, and stared back at him.   
  
"Ok, all right." He un-crossed his arms and smiled. "I'm not going to push you. I won't win this anyway." He joked and before I could answer he left.   
  
I watched as he walked, wondering if it was too obvious. Were my feelings for Martin showing so badly? Oh God, I hope not, I don't want Martin to find out like this. I want to tell him, I want a perfect moment to tell him everything. If I tell him.   
  
* * *  
  
I slowly opened my eyes, trying to get used to the darkness of my room as I tried to find out where the sharp sound was from. I knew it was from somewhere near my ear, but as sleepy as I was it was a little difficult to process.   
  
I groaned when the word telephone registered in my head. If it was Jack I swear I'd be in a kick ass mood. I took my hand from under the covers and reached out trying to find the damn object without looking at it. When my hand finally found the cold thing I pushed the 'talk' button and put it to my ear. "What?" I asked a bit too rudely.   
  
"Hey, birthday girl."   
  
I single tingle ran through my entire body. His voice warmed me and woke me fully. It was as lovely and sweet as ever. "Martin?" I asked even knowing it was him, just to make sure of it as my hand searched for the clock.   
  
"Who else could be?" He asked playfully.   
  
I found the clock and saw it read 12:01 pm. Why the hell was Martin calling me at this time? Didn't he know normal people need sleep? "Martin, it's midnight. For the sake of your life, you better have a good explication as to why you're calling me at this hour."   
  
He busted up laughing and even through the phone the sound was amazing. "Oh my God, I can't believe you forgot about your own birthday."   
  
My own birthday? What the hell was he... I sat with a start, running a nervous hand through my messed up hair. "Humm... no...?" I dumbly half stated half asked as my other hand searching for my cell phone so I could see what day was. When I found it, I turned the light on my bed stand and brought my cell phone in front of me. Oh. My. God.   
  
"That's really good. You're lucky to have someone who does remember."   
  
"Of course I didn't forget. If you didn't notice, you called me in the middle of the night, when I, the person in question, was peacefully sleeping. How did you want me to think straight?"   
  
He laughed again and I smiled hearing him. He remembered my birthday, he did. This was so stupid... just by the fact he remembered and called me just when it happened. "Well, you don't turn 33 more than once."   
  
"Thanks for remembering me."   
  
"You're welcome."   
  
I rearranged my pillows and sat with my back on them, relaxing as I did so. "Thanks Martin. It means a lot that you called me." I whispered trying to fight back the tears, knowing that someone cared about me so much. "Though it would be a lot better in daylight." I muttered loud enough for him to hear.   
  
He chuckled and I almost could feel his breath on my ear. I closed my eyes so I could pretend he was with me, whispering sweet things in my ear, wishing me happy birthday. "Hey, I would do that but calling in the middle of the night is much more fun."   
  
"To you, you mean."   
  
"Whatever. Jesus, you're really cranky. You sure aren't a morning person."   
  
"Please, Martin." I rolled my eyes. Really, he was too retarded sometimes. "It's not even morning yet."   
  
"I just wanted to be the first person to wish you happy birthday."   
  
"Probably the only one..." The words came out barely above a whisper. It wasn't mean for him to hear, they just escaped from my mouth.   
  
"Don't say that, Sam." He softly said. "There are a lot of people who love you. You seriously need to work on your tiny ego. You should think more of you." His words were soothing, but I think he was trying to scold me. "I do."   
  
I rubbed my eyes and let my hand rest over them for a silent second. Did he have an idea how much his words meant to me? Did he say these things half hearted because he knew my actual fragile state or he really meant?   
  
"Are you listening to me?"   
  
I breathed in deeply before answering. "Yes." I just, sometimes I felt as if the world was about to break. It occurred especially on Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving... birthdays. Any date you celebrate with your family I felt as if I would fall apart.   
  
"You're not alone, Sam."   
  
I chuckled silently, sadly... "Are you reading my mind now?" I asked quietly.   
  
"No. I just know you enough to know how lonely lonely." His word hung in the air for a few seconds, neither of us saying a word, but then he broke the silence. "And you need to know you're not."   
  
His words soothed me, warmed my heart and send a welcoming feeling of home and peace to my mind, body and being. "Thanks."   
  
"You're welcome." And again there was silence between us. It was good, though. Just knowing he was in the other end, hearing his breath was enough to calm me. I started playing with the tip of my blanket, twisting it around my finger. "I better let you sleep now. Happy birthday."   
  
"Thank you."   
  
"Bye."   
  
"Bye." I said back and before I hang up I stared at the phone for a while, holding it tenderly in my hand.   
  
* * *   
  
End of part four. If you want more, review! 


	5. Chapter Five

To summary and stuff, see part one.   
  
Author's note: Thank you all the reviews! They make me really glad! Now, broni, something will happen between Martin and Sam, but you have to wait ;]   
  
Martin and Sam forum @ destinedto.proboards26.com  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Part Five  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I hurried to the conference table, where everyone was already gathered. Everyone, except me. I really hated being late. "I'm sorry." I said. "I'm late." and stated the obvious. I really hated being late. Everyone in the room looks at you when you enter it in a way that makes you wish you hadn't come or at least you had arrived early.   
  
Last night, searching for my cell phone I think a dropped the alarm clock on floor and it didn't ring as it should making me arrive late. I gave Jack an apologetic smile and sat down next to Danny, who gave me an once over I don't know what the hell for. After I sent him a dirty look he silently chuckled and turned back to Jack and I did the same.   
  
I paid attention to Jack for five minutes before my eyes slowly searched Martin and found him listening attently to what Jack was saying. Jesus, I couldn't stay watching him like that. I needed to pay attention to Jack and only Jack. Come one Sam, focus, I told myself but I think my brain needed a check up because instead of focusing on Jack it focused on Martin.   
  
The next thing I heard Jack was teaming me with Danny. I seriously needed to work on my concentration skills, I needed to do my job right but I knew I had to sort things out before I could do it because the more I tried not to think of Martin, the more images of him entered my mind, the more focused on him I got.   
  
I think he felt my eyes on him because soon he looked at me. His eyes glistened for a second and a discreet smile played on his lips. I smiled at him; it wasn't small, or discreet, or anything, it was a condign caused by Martin smile. I pressed my lips together to keep them from widening more and looked down before I couldn't keep it to myself and make it too obvious. I shook my head slightly and bit my lips, thinking how idiot I was.   
  
I'm not a damn teenager anymore, for God's sake!   
  
Keeping saying that Sam and will might believe that yourself. Or make it come true.   
  
* * *   
  
"One more year of grumpiness and blissful annoyance." He groaned a very fake groan... "And I'm still alive."   
  
I narrowed my eyes and looked perplexed at Danny. He grinned from ear to ear and suddenly threw something at me. I caught it completely out of reflex and made a face at him. Danny should be more careful, really, he could hurt someone. Or if this something he threw at me was heavy and fragile? What if I wasn't that good and let it fall to the floor? Seriously, Danny really needed to be more careful.   
  
"So subtle." I sneered. "You could hurt someone." I lifted the... thing... he threw at me so he could see it and had a look myself. "What is this?" I asked turning the package around in my hands. It had been obviously wrapped by Danny himself. Sometimes I catch myself wondering how old Danny is...  
  
"Your present, Samantha. What do you think?" He raised an eyebrow and waved a hand to emphatise his words.   
  
I smiled and slowly opened it. "You know, you didn't need to do it."   
  
"Sure I did." He said with such a certainty that scared me. I mean, really scared. "But you have no right to complain. I asked what you wanted an you just played flirting with me."   
  
I rolled my eyes and took the ... thing ... out of the paper and looked at it. "Oh my God." I busted up laughing and tried to focus on Danny through my teary eyes. "Oh, Danny. You REALLY didn't need." I said wiping my tears away. I threw the now ripped paper and lifted my gift in front of me. It was a big and fluffy dark red sweatshirt with bold letters in black on the front written: DON'T MESS WITH ME. Turning it I saw that on the back there was something written too with the same style. SAMANTHA SPADE - FEDERAL AGENT. Oh my god, again... Danny was really a child. He could have put my ID number too...   
  
"Hey, you're always, and I do repeat, always complaining about the cold."  
  
I stuck my tongue out at him. Yeah, childlike, I know... but it felt damn good. And now I really had to think of a situation that I could use this sweatshirt. "Thanks anyway." I gave him a smile and soon I found myself in his arms.   
  
"Happy birthday, Sam."   
  
He held me for a good two seconds or three then let me go. I pulled away and looked down at the gift in my hands trying to hold a few rebel tears from coming out of my eyes. "Thank you, Danny."   
  
'There are a lot of people who love you...' Martin's voice echoed in my mind, repeating the same words he had said to me last night. I wanted to believe in that, I needed. Living a life so lonely and empty, things such as love were a little hard to believe in. But from a while back to now I started thinking about it more often than I used. Especially when Martin's name crossed my mind.   
  
"Are you going to kiss me now?"   
  
I grinned and winked flirtatiously at him. Tilting my head to the side and leaned in I whispered sensually in his ear. "No."   
  
"Damn." He grinned too.   
  
"Get out of here, Danny." I ordered and pushed him away. He waved a hand as he laughed and walked away.   
  
* * *   
  
I heard footsteps behind me and as soon as the person stopped knew who it was. I got that feeling whenever the person was around and the smell brought by the air lingered for three or four seconds around my nose. The recognition in my brain was linked with my mouth because I found myself smiling.   
  
I felt him resting his back on my desk right beside me, his eyes watching me as I finished writing something down on my notepad. This was creepy, why was he staring at me like that? Say something! I yelled in my head. I was sure it wasn't the first time he watched me, he could do that as long as I didn't know. Like I said, creepy.   
  
Well, at least it gave me time to decrease the big smile on my lips he brought with him.   
  
I kept on doing my things, just waiting him to say something. I mean, he was the one who came; he should be the one to talk first. Right? I felt a shiver on my back but I wasn't sure if it was due to his presence or his eyes intensely on me. Isn't he going to speak? Really, he seemed a stalker or something. Creepy, creepy, creepy.   
  
Not taking his stare any longer, I turned my head, tilting it slightly to look at him and I was surprised to see a smile of his own. Good Lord, please help me. I prayed silently... his smile makes melt and makes my legs turn into jelly... Ok, yeah, I said that before, but I bet you didn't know about the jelly thing, not to mention, but already doing that, the butterflies in me.   
  
I cleared my throat to make sure my voice would come out steady. "May I help you?" I asked bringing my eyes back to... hum... let's see... I quickly searched for something with my eyes and found a random briefcase. There, something to do and look at instead of Martin.   
  
"Actually, I'm here to help you."  
  
I snapped my head up and looked at him, that boyish smile back on his lips. Damn him and my jelly legs. "Excuse me?" I narrowed my eyebrows at him and turned fully so now we were face to face.   
  
"Just because I called you doesn't mean I can't congratulate in person."   
  
"Really? I thought waking up in the middle of the night was your congratulations and your present as well." I smile at him, letting him know I was only joking and he gave me another smile in return.   
  
"Bet you never received a happy birthday so right on time." He tilted his head and pointed a finger at me, his voice sounding in a way that made him seem he was really proud of himself. My God, and I thought Danny was the only child here.   
  
I chuckled at the comparison and put my random briefcase down. For the first time since he got here I notice how blue his eyes were that moment. They were sparking for some reason I didn't know and the glow of it made his face glow too, specially with his smile firmly on. "Men and their big egos." I mumbled loud enough so Martin could hear. "Charming."  
  
He looked at me just after hearing it with mock-perplexed expression. He opened his mouth and was about to say something when he closed it again. I think he changed his mind about what he was going to say... He squinted and stepped closer, a big fake question mark over his face. "Are you a feminist?"   
  
What startled me more was the soft and firm sound of his voice instead of the ridiculous question, sounding like it was something he asked every day. I looked stunned at him for a while and when I had finally cured myself from my dumb state I put my hands on my hips and lifted my chin slightly. "Yeah, of course." I opened one drawer and took my gun out of there. "Why do you think I use a gun?"   
  
To my complete surprise he started chuckling, but it was so obvious he was trying to restrain a real laugh that it reached the comical. Eventually his chuckle faded - thank god - and his eyes shone again. "I thought you liked the guns."   
  
"Because it makes men nervous."   
  
He stared at me, something in his eyes that I couldn't read, then his mouth opened as both a smile and words formed. "You crack me up inside, Sam."   
  
I, like always, smiled because I couldn't help it. Strange or not, this move was becoming too common and good. "It's mutual."   
  
He took out of the same drawer my cuffs and let it hung by one ring on his finger. He lifted this same finger until it was at eye level with me and smirked, what made me scared about what he would say next. "Do you use these too? You're really a possessive woman." He whispered, his tone flirtatious and very, very dirty.   
  
"Argh." I took my cuffs from his hand and shoved it and my gun inside the drawer. "This was really dirty, Martin." I looked back at him and his smile widened. Was my face looking funny? "And discustin.... fun...." I narrowed my eyebrows to myself. Thinking better, yeah, it could be fun, I mean, I'd have a man locked to my bed and I could do as I wished.   
  
Hum....   
  
... Interesting picture....   
  
Wow!  
  
... Wait a second! Oh my god.... I shook my head surprised at myself. Not that I've never had thoughts like these, because I had, but not in front of someone. Not Martin, when the person in question was right in front of me, watching me. I think I blushed. I felt my cheeks burning... yup... I flushed.  
  
Hopefully Martin didn't notice.   
  
I looked up at him and saw his big, dirty smirk. Damn, he noticed... "Stop staring." I said as if I had said something really common.   
  
He didn't hear me or pretended he didn't. Either one it made me annoyed. "Are we going out for drinks tonight?"   
  
"Sure. Why not? It's my birthday after all."   
  
"That's right. It's your birthday and today I'll even let you get drunk." He smiled and winked as the words were said.   
  
His smile was... tempting because it made me want to kiss him. Made me want to grab him and lock my lips with his. But I fought the urge, of course. I couldn't just take him like that, no matter what you're thinking. And our flirtation was becoming too obvious and constant. If Danny was here I'm sure he would be over us by now.   
  
Thank god he wasn't because it would give him reason to mock me for the rest of my life.  
  
* * *   
  
I looked around memorizing the place I knew by heart. We had come here more times than I could remember and it was funny because I can remember every time we came here, every conversation we had, word by word. I can remember every expression on Martin's face and exactly how many times he smiled and it was funny too, because the only thing I can't remember is that I paid this much attention to him.   
  
I watched him as he asked the drinks and Melinda - the young waitress - smiled flirtatiously at him. Seriously, I think this girl had a crush on him. A serious crush on him. Nothing against her, but the way she looked at him made me want to punch her. I had a gun, for god's sake! Why couldn't I just, discreetly of course, take my gun out of my pocket and put it over the table? It worked with men, it would very well work with a 17 year old girl.   
  
I don't know what's wrong with me... Why am I feeling jealousy? I shouldn't feel jealousy, I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't. I just... shouldn't... because it was one more sign of my ever-growing feelings for Martin and they had to stop growing, they had to stop making me feel like that.   
  
I casted a quick glance at... hissssss Melinda... and made a face at her, one that, obviously, only I could see. "Whore..." I muttered. Nothing against the girl, but jealousy could make you so evil towards somebody and make it seem like you don't like them even if you don't even know them.   
  
"I'm sorry?"   
  
I looked up at him, my eyes widening in horror praying he hadn't heard what I just said. "What?" That's right; play innocent, dumb. You didn't hear him, it will make him repeat and luckily tell what he wanted.   
  
"No, you said something. What was it?"   
  
He didn't hear. Now I believe in God. "Nothing. I was just... thinking out loud."   
  
He smiled and let go of the issue. We stayed in silence until cough:Melinda:cough brought the drinks and went away, not of course, without winking at Martin. How I hate her... "I have something for you."   
  
"For me? Why?"   
  
"It's your birthday... dumbass. Of course I have to give you something." He rolled his eyes and I was still perplexed by his words. Me, dumbass? Martin really needed to work his vocabulary. No one call me dumbass. No one.  
  
But before I could give him a well deserved answer, his attention was in another place. He was searching for something in his coat's pockets and soon took out of there a big chocolate muffin. "What's that?"   
  
He smirked and showed me a small pink candle. If he does what I'm thinking he's going to do, I'll kill him. He stuck the candle in the middle of the muffin and lit it. "I didn't know what to give you so a real party was much better, huh?"   
  
"A real party?"   
  
"Yeah, of course." He brought the muffin, and consequently his hand, which like his entire body, smelled like heaven, closer to my face. That boyish smile again on his lips. He started singing. Oh my god... I'll kill him if I have to. I was seriously thinking about running from here but seeing his smile and the happiness in his eyes just by giving me a 'real party' made my heart melt and I couldn't say no anymore. And his voice, it was so soft and the melody of it was so soothing. He was whispering the words, singing it like an angel, and only for me.   
  
The beat of my heart suddenly turned into rapid ones. My pulse was rushing. Everything inside of me was going fast and how all these mixed up feelings rushed throughout my body and I couldn't tell which one apart. Then somehow, all these thoughts entered my mind and flooded it so badly, that they cluttered together and I couldn't think straight. Confusion escaped from me and ended up all over my face.   
  
He looked up at me, twinkles in his eyes. A smile formed across his face, he showed delight in his features but when his eyes found mine, his face changed from delight to worry. Oh, fuck, it was all too clear. "Sam, what's wrong?"   
  
I wanted to answer him, but words failed me. I felt burning in the back of my eyes and I knew I was about to cry. I couldn't cry, I couldn't cry in front of him. I didn't even know why I was about to cry. My breath was slowly coming out in small puffs of air and I felt as if I needed more than I was able to breath at the moment.   
  
"Sam?" Warm touch consequently burning of skin and wild butterflies. I didn't need this right now. Plus his voice, so soft and concerned. I should be happy by all the attention I get from him, but this very moment all I wanted was to get away from him and stop the tears threatening to fall down my cheeks.   
  
I pulled my arm away from his touch and got up. "I..." My voice broke as tears started falling. Damn Martin. "I'll be right back..." I think my voice was as teary as my eyes were. I felt the force of them in me. Before I could turn away from him a couple of damned tears ran from my eyes and I am sure Martin saw them.   
  
I hurried to the rest room, getting away from him as quickly as I could, praying he wouldn't follow me. I don't know what came into me; this sudden wave of tears just overwhelmed me. Before I could even reach half the way to the rest room my face was wetted all over and my eyes were burning. To my luck no one was in there so I wouldn't have to hide in one of the bathrooms.  
  
Within the safety of these four walls I finally let myself break. I finally let the tears I was holding back fall down my cheeks. God, it was so hard. Martin, he was so intense sometimes, he brought these mixed and confusing feelings in me to the front, he made them so much stronger than when he wasn't around. It was hard to see he cared so much about me, to see that someone I had pushed away before and despised could be so loving.   
  
I had no one. No mother, father, brother or sisters, no one in my life to share happy moments, to show my weak and strong sides, to help me through hard times. The only thing I had was Martin, one I seriously couldn't care less before, one I didn't give a damn if was sad or happy, but now I just couldn't control myself. Seeing him so pleased to make me happy made me touched and angry with myself for acting the way I did towards him.   
  
I put both my hands on the sink trying to take some of the weight from my feet. I pounded my palm on my forehead repeatedly and leaned in against the mirror over the sink. Oh, why had I feel like that? Why had I to break now? I'm so stupid, immature, ridiculous, idiotic... Martin was just trying to make me feel better giving me a small personal party. It was just too much...  
  
"Did I do something wrong?"   
  
Startled by his voice, I jumped and turned to face him with a start. If he did something wrong? My God, he was the sweetest person I've ever met and he thought I was crying because of him. "No." I shook my head, my eyes instead of looking at him, down at my hands, which started to twist nervously. "Have you..." I trailed of and looked at him, needing to see his eyes and see the truth in there. "Have you ever been angry with me?"   
  
He narrowed his eyes in confusion and stepped closer to me. "No." He shook his head and stepped even closer. "Of course not."   
  
"I mean, after everything, how I treated you..." I was so pissed at myself; you have no idea. I always thought less of him and now here he is, giving me a birthday party.   
  
"We barely knew each other. We always do things we regret later, but we did them we there is nothing we can do about it." He spoke with such sweetness I caught myself staring at him, but he was looking at me too, right in the eye. He touched my arm and pulled my softly to him, away from the sink.   
  
"Yeah..."   
  
"So, will you forget it? Because I did."   
  
"I will."   
  
"Good."   
  
I nodded and soon a smile formed over his lips. I smiled back at him and, I don't know what I was thinking at the moment because the next thing I threw myself in his arms. He didn't seem surprised because he hugged me back right away. He put his arms around me and embraced me tightly and resting his cheek on the side of my head. "Thank you."   
  
Instead of asking why I said that like he always did he just nodded, I feel his head moving. "You're welcome." I guess he knew exactly what I was thanking him for and that was good because I didn't want to get into everything again.   
  
No explications needed. He just kept me in his arms and, boy that was the most amazing feeling in the world. I felt like I wanted to spend my whole life with him, to keep him with me all the time or be in his arms forever.  
  
* * *   
  
"Now, close your eyes and make a wish."   
  
The muffin was in front of me again, he had lit the candle once more and his eyes glowed as he looked expectantly at me. He had this smile on his lips that makes you want to lock them with your own, and that's exactly what I thought, but I couldn't. It was pissing me off because I wanted so badly to taste his lips...   
  
I closed my eyes to think of something to wish. I know, you're probably asking 'And you need to think?'. I know, I know, I don't need to think because I knew exactly what I wanted - not that I am going to tell you, because we can't tell our wishes or they won't come true - or who... Anyway, I blew the candle slowly and even slower I opened my eyes. Martin was there, right in front of me with his smile still firmly on.   
  
"So, what did you wish?"   
  
I faked a perplexed face and let my jaw fall. I pointed a finger at him, moving it as I spoke to emphathise my words. "You know very well I can't tell. It won't come true."   
  
His smile widened and his eyes buried in mine. I just noticed how close he was to me. He wasn't sitting across from me anymore, he had taken a sit right next to me and it was so close I could feel the warmth of his body on mine. It was disturbing and welcoming at the same time. Strange, I know, but lately nothing is normal to me...  
  
He took the candle out of the muffin and as licked the chocolate around it I looked down before I could have naughty thoughts of him and his... tongue... not going there. When I thought it was time enough to clean that lucky candle I looked up and watched as he cut the muffin in two and gave one part to me.   
  
"Now, tell me, isn't this the best party ever?"   
  
I laughed and let my hand fall on his arm then squeezed it gently. "The best I've ever had." I think my eyes sparkled and I felt a huge smile spread across my face. It was true; this was the best party I had since when I can remember. I've never felt so good with myself in this date. I always stayed at home, brooding and thinking about the bad things from my past but now, now I had a whole new memory to make this day special and happy.   
  
Martin and his small personal party.  
  
* * *   
  
End of part 5 


	6. Chapter Six

To summary and stuff, see part one.   
  
Author's note: I don't know what is it, but it was so fun to write this part, especially the mini golf one. I really enjoyed doing this and I hope you will enjoy reading it.   
  
Oh, and thank you for all the reviews! ;]  
  
Martin and Sam forum @ destinedto.proboards26.com  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Part Six  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
I kept staring at the wood several seconds after the slam of it echoed through the busy street. I looked perplexed at Martin with my jaw wide open. I mean, seriously, how someone dare to slam the door on my face? "Can you believe that?"   
  
"Let's knock again." He said with his hand already on the door.   
  
"Yeah, of course, this will make this..." I though a very low word but didn't actually say it out loud. "...to open the door." How can someone do that? I'm here, in the cold shivering like a leaf in the wind just wanting to get this done with and go back to the warmth of the FBI building and this lovely sir slam the door on my face. Unbelievable, just unbelievable.   
  
Martin knocked again after seconds of silence...  
  
1... 2... 3... 4.... Sorry, but I won't reach ten...  
  
"Open this damn door or we're getting inside!" I knocked this time, my hand pounding on the door as I yelled to that lovely sir inside. I really meant it, if doesn't open the door I'm invading.   
  
Martin put a hand on my arm to stop me from crushing the door down. His hand on my arm was enough to freeze me and make me calm down. But not enough to change my mood. "We're from FBI, sir, you have to open the door."   
  
"I don't have to. If you want to talk to me bring an order otherwise I don't have business with your people." He yelled back from the second floor and Martin and I looked up.   
  
I think he sensed my heat rising because I felt his hand on me again, stopping me from saying or doing whatever I was going to. I looked at him and saw his eyes silently telling me to calm down. Really, either I was getting nuts or this thing I had for him was more serious than I thought. I sighed deeply and let it out in a hard puff.   
  
Damn weather, damn it to hell.   
  
"There's a little boy missing and we need to ask a few questions. We need to find him."   
  
"I have nothing to do with that family. I don't care if any of them is missing or dead." He yelled again and this time closed the window. He used as much force as he did to close the door. Great.   
  
Nice words, really nice. I felt my temper rising stronger. That son of a bitch... How could he say that? It was just a little boy. One that might be cold and hungry and scared and that old guy couldn't even help us. Was his fury for that family so big at the point of letting a little boy die? I was already in bad mood, it was too early, too cold and I was hungry, plus this nice man saying nice things.   
  
I opened my mouth to say some nice things back to him but, then again, Martin put a hand on my arm. What was wrong with him? It was some kind of fetish for my arm or something? He wouldn't stop touching it.   
  
"Keep your temper." He said seriously, looking me directly in the eye. Keep my temper? Keep my temper?? At this right moment he was the one I was angry with. He just signed his death sentence.   
  
"Keep my temper?" I almost yelled and realizing the loud tone of my voice I stop myself. "Keep my temper?" I said again, my voice steady and normal. Not the normal normal voice, but the normal Samantha Spade I-am-pissed-off tone of voice. "A six year old little boy can die and he doesn't even care!"   
  
"We can't do anything." I showed anger in my voice and my face was probably red and stiffened. Sometimes I could really scare someone when I was like that. But not Martin.. Nope, not him. He knew very well my I'll-eat-you-alive façade. Damn him.   
  
I sighed and crossed my arms to both keep me warm and to put on a defensive posture. He pulled me to walk with him by the hand he had put on my arm. Whoever needed a coat if Martin's warmth was right with you?   
  
"The only thing we can do is to charge him of complicity of the disappearance of Tommy and arrest him."  
  
"We should do that."   
  
"Yes and we will as soon as we get back." He stopped, consequently I stopped and he looked at me, that serious look on his eyes I didn't like. It made disappear the glow in his eyes, that little light in them I loved. "Ok?"   
  
I nodded, too focused on his eyes to think of something to say. Lack of words, seeming dumb and stupid right in front of your crush... Don't you hate when this happen?   
  
"Sam, we'll find him, OK?" He said rather gently and softly. His had leaned closer and I could feel his breath on my face. It was good and comfortable; it warmed my face and made me forget the cold around us. Hell, it made me forget I was even in the middle of a busy New York street. His hand on my shoulder brought me back from dreamland, back to his pretty eyes. Was it possible someone's eyes be so blue? "OK?" He repeated, his fingers massaging my shoulder and his eyes right into mine.  
  
"Yeah." I nodded again and smile to ensure him that I believed him. If he smiles too I don't know if I'll be able to control myself. There it is... his smile is forming. Shit. I looked down before it could form fully.   
  
"Sam, are you all right?" He whispered.  
  
I looked up and nodded but my nod faded to a shake of head. "It's just... He's just a little boy. Six years old. How can someone harm a child? And so young?"   
  
"It's a mad world. People do things and all we can do is to undo them."   
  
"Yeah." As the word left my mouth a freezing and sharp wind blew, making the hem of my coat fly. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself trying to keep me warmer.   
  
"It's too cold. Come on, let's get inside the car." He put a hand on my back to guide me back to the car. My body tingled as his hand stayed on my back. This was ridiculous. I could feel the nervousness rising up just by his touch. I mean; his hand wasn't even on my bare flesh. There were layers of cloth between our skins.   
  
It doesn't matter; I could feel him under any kind of cloths and any amount of it. His touch was tender and soft and had its own way through my body. My poor body responded by itself, it was something I couldn't prevent. It was automatic.   
  
He's handsome, smart, witty, amazing, nice, kind, sweet... too many words to name... he was the closest thing that I could define to perfect. He gave me this... this thing that used to be part of the unseen. I couldn't help it. Feelings have their own way when they're going to take a turn or not and you can't stop them.   
  
And there was this thing I saw in his eyes every time he looked at me. I could be flattering myself or whatever but I saw it, I saw that thing in his eyes. It was something he directed towards me, something that kept my hopes up about us, about my unresolved feelings for him. He felt something for me, I saw in his eyes. It could be just me, just my feelings for him playing games, or I could just be hallucinating... but I wasn't. Something's telling me, I was not hallucinating.   
  
* * *   
  
"You still here?"   
  
His voice made a single tingle ran through my body. I stopped writing instantaneously and let my pen fall to the table with a muffled sound. He stood in front of me for a second then pulled the chair back and sat. "I was just..." His eyes were so intensely looking at me, his smile was so sweet and hypnotic I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I pretended a cough and cleaned my throat hoping the words would come out. "I was just finishing my paperwork."  
  
"Really fun." He breathed out and reached one hand out in my direction. I hold my breath, preparing myself for the wave of dizziness when he touched my hand, for the fire and the butterflies, but they never came. Instead of touching me like I though - no, I hoped - he would, he took a paper and put it on front of him to read.   
  
I let out my breath again, a little disappointed and went back to filling my report. Just a few more lines and I was done. I would, indeed, if Martin didn't sit there watching me. His presence was more important than anything else, than these stupid reports... We could be somewhere having drinks.   
  
"Do you know what my mother always told me?" He asked suddenly after minutes, breaking the comfortable silence between us.   
  
I looked up startled and curious. "What?"   
  
"Never let your work become your life." He looked away from me, at nothing in particular as if he was remembering when she said that. He smiled and focused back on me. "Wise woman."   
  
I smiled too, but pleased by his attitude, by knowing this little piece of thing about him. These were really wise words, but something really common to me. It had become my life already. I didn't have another life; I didn't have a personal life so the only thing that lasted was my job. "And you said that because...?" Yeah, well, I needed to know why he suddenly said that.   
  
"Because we should be somewhere else instead of here completely bored."   
  
"You're the only one bored." I stated and he wagged his eyebrows.   
  
"Oh, am I?"   
  
I giggled. Sweet Lord I really giggled, for the first time since I can remember. It was just a giggle, nothing surprising with it, but still... It was the first time I giggled because if him. "No." I smiled; I was over my giggle already.   
  
He got up and walked to my side and before I could protest or impede him, he gathered my papers and put them inside my briefcase and took my coat from my chair. "Let's get out of here." He said as he held my coat open so I could slide my arms in.   
  
"There's no way I can say no, is there?" I asked just to ask because I so wanted to get out of here, especially with him. I put my coat on and turned to him with a smile on my lips and surprised he was smiling too.   
  
"No." He seemed a child on Christmas morning, he really did. He was so excited that I was surprised. He seemed to want to take me out of here and somewhere away from work. He took my briefcase and held it for me. "Come on, we can eat Chinese and this time without take outs."   
  
"Oh, this will be new for me. I always wondered how it tastes when the food is done."   
  
"Let's find out."   
  
I giggled again. Good lord, make me stop. I was giggling like an idiot and it wasn't good. I was so pleased right now I couldn't stop myself. Yeah, well, he does that to me.   
  
Chinese right in the restaurant... I always wondered how it would taste.   
  
* * *   
  
"He said his mother said that."   
  
"Wise woman."   
  
I smiled as I looked down at my hands. No shaking. No twisting. Good thing. "That's what he said."   
  
"What do you think?" Lisa un-crossed and crossed her legs again. She had a smile on her lips and looked pleased. I think I'm beginning to open up like she wanted. I didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing.   
  
"She's right." I looked up, my eyes meeting hers. She never stopped looking at me. Even if I was starting to feel comfortable around her I still didn't like her staring at me. "She's wise. Never let your work become your life." I repeated the words, slowly, feeling them as each word left my mouth and slipped between my lips. "No one had never said that to me."   
  
"There's a first thing to every thing."   
  
"I always thought my work was my life and was glad with it."   
  
"But now you're changing your opinion?"   
  
"I guess so."   
  
"What do you think now?"   
  
I stared at her as I thought the words I wanted to say. I was sure of it, I was sure of what I wanted, of who I wanted. My feelings were pretty obvious and they weren't lying to me. I knew now exactly what I wanted. "I don't want my work to be my life anymore. I want to have my own."   
  
"That's what every one wants."   
  
I shook my head and kept staring at her. "I want Martin to be part of this life."  
  
* * *   
  
I couldn't believe in what my eyes were seeing. It could be the light playing games with my, they could be lying to me, or could be the lack of food. I was starving. The last time I ate it was five hours ago and I seriously needed more food in my belly. But, hey, I'm not letting him go like that, not changing the subject. "You bastard cheater!"   
  
He looked up startled by my sudden burst out. "What?" He tilted his head and shot me that smile that made me melt. Bastard. He's not going to make me forget about his cheating with his boyish smile. I stared at him, his smile fully on and my heart started to melt. So cute... No! Not letting him win. Bastard.   
  
"Cheater!" I walked up to him and yanked his golf club from him. "Chea-ter! I saw you kicking the ball into the hole." I pointed and waved my hand around to emphatise my words and to make him see my point. I wasn't angry, the problem was that no one makes a fool of Samantha Spade.  
  
"You saw wrong. I used my club."  
  
I let my jaw fall with surprise. Was he kidding me? Was he thinking I'm stupid? I told you, no one makes a fool of Samantha Spade. I dropped our clubs (since I was holding Martin's) and put my hands on my hips. "Oh, now you're a liar too." I raised my eyebrow daring him to explain.   
  
"I'm not the only one cheating here." He sang-song the words out. Bastard.  
  
"I didn't cheat! My club was broken."   
  
"Oh, so you kick the ball then?"   
  
I squinted my eyes and gave him my evil, evil look. "The next thing I'm going to kick is your ass."   
  
He scoffed and then laughed. "You know what? I don't want to play anymore." He threw his arms in the air and bent down to pick his club. When he stood again he looked at me in the eyes and smiled. "You become too annoying when you're competitive."   
  
"Competitive? I'm the one winning here, plus I'm not cheating."   
  
"You were cheating. And why do you care? Half the time we were fooling around anyway..."   
  
I smiled to myself, my 'competitive attitude' fading away as quickly as it came. I was picked my club from the floor and handed him it, then he took the balls to return them to that woman who looked strangely at us when she gave the balls to us. I was having so much fun with him, it was just a stupid game but spending time with him was like breathing; I needed it.  
  
"I need to feed you now. I heard your stomach starting to snore a couple of hours ago."   
  
"You heard and didn't do anything? You mean man..."   
  
"Hey, I was waiting for you to stop being stubborn and drop that Oh-I-am-the-shit attitude and ask to eat."  
  
"It's not an attitude." Yeah, of course not. What do you think? I'm not that shallow and I do not need to pretend because I am the shit.   
  
"Of course not." He chuckled. "Come on." He put his free hand on my back to guide me. I heard him chuckling silently, trying to restrain it from coming out stronger and almost couldn't stop mine own.   
  
I never loved mini golf so much in my life.   
  
* * *   
  
"I did win."   
  
"You didn't." He calmly said back without taking his eyes from the TV.   
  
"You cheated, you stopped the game, you called me names and counted all wrong. If this doesn't mean losing, buddy, I don't know what it means."   
  
"This means 'end of game let's go home'." And he didn't take his eyes off of the TV again.   
  
I slammed my feet over the coffee table with all the strength I could and leaned back, resting on the leather black couch. As my feet made contact with the dark wood of the table some of the light objects slightly jumped, showing my childlike attitude. Martin didn't flinch not even a bit. I looked down at the take out in my hands and sighed a half happy, half sad sigh. Here we are, back to our lives.   
  
I took one chicken with my own hand and shoved it inside my mouth. "I miss the real taste of it."  
  
He looked at me and smiled a bit. "It is better, huh?"   
  
"Way better."   
  
"We can go back someday."  
  
"Yeah, someday." I echoed silently, still looking at my so loved Chinese take out.   
  
He shifted; making himself comfortable I think and brought his eyes back to the TV. He sighed just before putting some food in his mouth. He chewed it slower than it was actually necessary and I started to wonder. I mean; did he really need to eat so slowly? Was he liking his food so much? Did his food have a different taste? I should eat some and see if he was cheating me. Again.   
  
I was about to say something when he looked at me and spoke first. "Maybe we should go now." He said throwing his take out over the coffee table.   
  
He wasn't cheating me again, after all. "Absolutely." I quickly agreed and threw my take out over the coffee table too. Nothing better than food freshly made. I put my shoes back on before getting up and followed him to the door.   
  
"Do you want an extra coat?"   
  
"Nah. I'm fine."   
  
"All right. Let's go then." He opened the door and let me pass first.   
  
As he was locking it, a wicked smile formed over my lips. As I opened my mouth to speak, I walked away so he wouldn't argue back. "And I did win."   
  
* * * 


	7. Chapter Seven

~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Part Seven  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Holy fuck! Where did this come from!?" I whispered to myself and jumped over the nearest chair as quickly as I could. Dear mother, the thing was huge! I mean, really, really huge. The kind you can only put inside a cookie jar. "Martin!" I whispered again. I had to whisper, this was stupid, I know but the fear can turn you into a jackass and I was afraid that if I raised my voice the black hairy thing could listen and come after me.   
  
I looked at the general direction of the bathroom, hoping Martin had heard me but not hearing a single sound I knew he hadn't. Good Lord, what am I going to do? I couldn't scream; the thing would listen. Dumb, I know, I was over a chair in my kitchen but still, the thing could, couldn't it? It was moving to my direction, dread started rising up more and more and it wouldn't stop moving.  
  
I'm going to die. I twitched as this chill ran up my spine. Time seemed to be ticking really slowly. I mean, I wanted to open my mouth and scream, yet I wanted to just stay there, quite and wait until Martin could give me the grace of his presence. I'm going to die. My heart was beating for dear life and for a minute, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. This wasn't healthy for me. I ran a hand over my forehead and felt the cold liquid forming there. Holy shit. Am I sweating? Am I tensing up so badly that it's actually causing me to perspire? Jesus Christ.   
  
"Martin?" I breathed out a big sigh of relief when my voice came out as a yell. He had to hear me now. "Martin?" Using the opportunity that my voice was working I called him again. I mean, my voice could disappear anytime.  
  
... Man, that was really bad.   
  
"Yeah?" I heard his voice before he had passed completely through the kitchen door. Seeing me up over a chair, dread all over my face, he narrowed his eyes with curiosity and confusion. "What are you doing up there?"   
  
"Shhh!" I hissed and waved my hand. "Keep your voice down!"   
  
"Sam...?" He smiled confusedly and walked towards me and as he came closer I let a yell escape from my mouth. He jumped back with a start, and I swear I could hear his heart from where I was. "Holy shit! Are you trying to kill me?"   
  
"You were going to step on it!" I whispered and pointed to the floor, where the big hairy thing was.   
  
He looked down and after a few seconds he looked up with that big, amused smile over his lips. "Oh my God! You're tensing up so badly because of a spider??" I'm sure he didn't laugh only to keep my humiliation from being complete.   
  
"It's not just a spider! Look the size of it!" I put my hand on the back of the chair to keep me from falling down and near to that repulsive thing.   
  
He shook his head and smiled at me again. "You're pathetic, you know that right?"   
  
"I don't care! Just take this thing away!"   
  
He sighed dramatically as if he was about to go for a fight and walked to my cupboard and took a cup from there and then a spoon from the drawer. He put the cup over the spider (what made me realize it wasn't soooo big) and the spoon under it, so when he lifted the cup, that little black hairy and disgusting thing wouldn't escape. I swear if Martin comes to my direction waving his hand in front of me like 'duh, I'm going to throw it on you, duh' I'll have to go all Jack Chan on him... but he didn't, to my lucky, he didn't and Martin, my hero on a white horse and shinning armor, threw it in the garbage.   
  
He turned to me and leaned back on the counter with a big smile plastered on his face. "I learn something new about you every day."   
  
"I just don't like spiders, all right?" I whined, yes I actually whined, and very carefully I came down from the chair, looking around just to make sure the mother or father or siblings of that little hairy thing weren't around to ask for their revenge.   
  
"Oh yeah, I'm pretty aware of it." He laughed a sweet, charming laugh that couldn't stop myself from smiling and in the middle of my smile I made a face. That was really good, I was pathetic and my ego was incredible hurt. Nice way to go.   
  
"Now close it and throw it away."   
  
"Me?"   
  
"Yeah! I'm not going to get anywhere near this thing."   
  
He sighed and did as I said, then left my apartment to throw the garbage away. He came back a while back and his smile was still on. Damn him.   
  
* * *   
  
I walked down the path with Viv right beside me. It was chilly but the degree wasn't so low like before. Even if I didn't like the cold, I was glad because it was becoming warmer. All I wanted was the spring to come and bring with it the sun, the warmth, the love... Yeah, well, err... wasn't spring the age of love?  
  
"You seem extremely happy lately."   
  
"Humm?" I looked at her startled. I guess I didn't hear any of what she was saying for the last five minutes.   
  
She turned her head to me and smiled that smile of hers. "And very aerie too. Is it because of Martin?"   
  
I shrugged not really knowing what to say. Was it so obvious? First was Danny, then Jack and now Viv? Were my feelings showing up so badly? Was it this obvious that people started noticing and seeing? But I didn't know if I should be careful or not, I mean, should I hide it or just let it up in the front?   
  
The desire of him being by my side grew stronger and bigger, not that I was complaining, because that was all wonderful, it just wouldn't stop growing and I thought it was impossible. I wanted him. I wanted him to be mine. I wanted to wrap my arms around him, to feel his lips against my own. I wanted him to always be by my side. I wanted the joy he always brought when he was around to always be with me.   
  
"That's all right if you don't want to talk about it. I just wanted to say that he makes you happy. I can see it on your face."   
  
I stopped and looked surprised at her, but thankful and pleased. A smiled started creeping over my face without asking me so and I couldn't stop it from forming. I was delighted. "I'm not with him. There's nothing between us..."   
  
"... Yet. And still, he can light up your face like that."   
  
"I can't tell."   
  
"Yes, you can." She said quietly and we resumed walking. "How long are you feeling like this?"   
  
I shrugged again and wondered, trying to remember when I started feeling differently towards him. I think it was after I got shot, when the wound made me fragile and needy. "Some time after I got shot, I think."   
  
She didn't say anything back, only nodded and put her hands inside her pockets, to warm them. "You smile more and I noticed you two are spending more time together."   
  
"We've been hanging out a lot." I nodded and looked at the ground as I walked. "I'm really getting to know him better."   
  
"He's a good guy. I think he's really good for you."   
  
"Thanks, Viv, but we're not like that."   
  
"Because you chose so." I looked confused at her and squinted my eyes. She smiled and took a deep breath. "He feels something for you, Samantha and if you don't tell him, he will find out sooner or later." She tilted her head and added, "And it'd be better sooner, wouldn't it?" She then smiled wittily. "You're already very happy."   
  
I smiled too and before I could help it, a laugh escaped from my mouth. "Jesus, and we're not even together."   
  
She raised both eyebrows as she looked intensely at me, her face with a expression that was trying to show me her point. And I got it. I understood what she was saying. Her words were slowly registering in my brain. Martin and I weren't more than friends, good friends because we were becoming good friends, although his presence or the mere mention of his name was enough to shine my day and make it brighter. Was enough to make me feel as if I had done something good. Thinking better, it could be that I did something good and the world was just thanking me for it.   
  
Whatever this 'it' could be...  
  
* * *  
  
"I hate you!" I shouted right in the middle of the FBI bullpen. I shouldn't have shouted but I just wanted to say it loud enough so Martin would hear me. Well, but now the entire floor knew my deepest feelings for Martin. Dumbass...   
  
As soon as he heard my words he turned his head slightly and smiled. God, I just wanted to wipe that smile off with my fists. "Same here." he said and resumed walking. Was he mocking me? Was he actually making of me? I had to clench my teeth and focus on the people looking weirdly at me to keep myself from jumping on him and punching on the face. If I wasn't risking to lose my gun and badge I'm sure I would have shot him by now.   
  
Dumbass...  
  
And I don't even know why we started fighting... Really. I just remember I was peacefully sitting at my desk, drinking my so loved coffee when Martin, my formerly hero on a white horse and shinning armor, came. First I felt as if it was the best moment of the day but then, for a reason I have not idea why we started arguing. But it's normal, isn't it? I mean, we were almost all day together, seeing each other more times than real couple and it's normal to have fights once in a while. Right? Well, it doesn't matter... I want to believe it's normal because then this fight will have a explanation as to why it happened.  
  
And why the hell, looking at him sitting at his desk is making me feel funny? No, it's not funny; it's regret I think... Damn it. I didn't want to feel regretted. I wanted to feel that want to punch and beat him. Because it wasn't my fault, it was all his fault that we started fighting... all his...  
  
Wasn't it...?   
  
I bit my lip and let my fists hand loosely by my sides. Should I go to him and say I'm sorry? No! No! Do not; did you hear me? Do not say you're sorry for something you didn't do. But.. But he wasn't the only one fighting.. Even if I wasn't the one who started it, I had to be blamed for half if because I continued the fight...   
  
And I was still in the middle of the bullpen... I sighed and slowly walked to my desk, which unfortunately at that moment, was near Martin's... If I said I was sorry then it would be every thing all right... no.... not going to.   
  
I silently sat without even glancing at him. I could feel his scent right under my nose.. Why, oh why when I wanted to keep my distance and not even look at him this damn smell of his was so strong? Why every time I wanted to feel it I couldn't because he was too far away but now that I actually didn't, his smell was stronger than ever? It must be the world punishing me; it could only be that. I think I was the one who started the fight and continued it and now I was being castigated   
  
Damn it! Damn the world, damn Martin and damn this wonderful smell of his...  
  
* * *  
  
I started shaking imperceptibly when he approached and rested his back on my desk. I wanted to look up at him but my stupid ego was too afraid to do so. Part of me just wanted him to go away while the other part was jumping up and down with excitement.   
  
After a moment of silence he let out a big puff of air. "This is stupid."   
  
I bit my lip and finally looked up. I couldn't keep this up anymore. I had stayed almost all day avoiding him and not looking at him. I couldn't not look at anymore. I needed to see him. I missed him. I turned my chair so now I was facing Martin and the second I did so, our eyes met and I forgot everything that had happened that day. I forgot my stupid burst out and our stupid fight.   
  
"I don't even know why we started fighting but we stayed without talking to each other all day, anyway."  
  
"Yeah." I breathed out a tiny chuckle and looked down at my hands. It was stupid indeed.   
  
"So.. humm, do you want to make up?"   
  
"Yeah." I smiled grateful and slowly looked up back at him, meeting his gaze.   
  
"I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry for it, anyway. I don't want to fight with you."   
  
"I don't know why either." I chuckled. "But I'm sorry too."   
  
"Se, we're good?"   
  
"We're good."   
  
He looked at me with that big, cute smile on his lips and I had to smile back. I wave of happiness and relief suddenly came rushing inside of me, making me feel a sense of peace. And it was good, really good. I think it was because we had just made up and there was not feeling of uneasy between us, or that feeling of want to punch him inside of me.   
  
I was stupid.. I mean, I was the one who started that ridiculous fight (well, hours after that I finally accepted that I was the one to blame...) and he was the one to come up and say sorry. God, I wanted to kick myself. Sometimes I was really a jerk...   
  
Martin grabbed a pen from my desk and started playing with it, turning it around in his hands. Then, suddenly he looked up with a gleam in his eyes. "Do you have plans for next Saturday?"   
  
I narrowed my eyes at him. Was he really saying that? I mean, next Saturday was Valentine's Day... he couldn't possible be asking me out. Could him? "Hum...no. I think."   
  
"So why don't we do something?"   
  
"On Valentine's Day? Don't you have a date or something?"  
  
He started laughing and let go of my pen. "Of course not. Why do you think I am asking? I just thought that, why don't we, two big losers who don't have dates on Valentine's Day, go out to show that we are not these big losers?"   
  
I smiled at that. We were really losers... everyone would be out, even Danny and we would be stuck home. What a big Valentine's Day. "Sure. Why not?" I shrugged trying to be nonchalant. He was asking me out on Valentine's Day and even if it was just not to pass it alone, he was still asking me. On Valentine's Day. I brought my head back down to look at, humm.. Whatever I was looking before.  
  
"What do you say about... sailing?"   
  
My head snapped up when my poor brain, tired of the early fight registered his words. "Are you kidding me?"   
  
"No, seriously." He nodded looking intensely at me. "So what do you say?"   
  
"I don't know..." Sailing? He should be really nuts.. Go out in the water with this weather. "Have you ever gone sailing in your life?"   
  
"Yeah. When I was a kid my dad used to take to sail once in a while. And the papers say it's going to be sunny. Cold, of course but at least it will have some sun."   
  
I stared at him for a long, long while. Until, finally I decided. "All right. I am going."   
  
* * *  
  
'All right. I am going.' Where the hell I was with my head?? I should have never ever said these words. I should have said no, I should have said... I don't know... anything. But just not agreed with this. I mean, I would stay alone with Martin in the middle of a lake, where I had no place to go if I wanted to be away from him if I needed to. Why would I even want to be away from him, for God's sake? You never know, do you?   
  
You know, it's like when you need some object you can't find no matter what and when you stop looking this same object just pops in front of you as if magically. And it's like that. I have no reason to need to be away from Martin but stuck in the middle of a lake when you have no place to go is exactly when you need to go somewhere. It's dangerous. Dangerous, dangerous, dangerous.   
  
I should have said no...   
  
Damn it.  
  
* * *  
  
Danny threw himself on the nearest chair and let his head rest over the conference table. I heard him mumbling whispered words that I couldn't understand and looked at me. "What?"   
  
"What what?"   
  
"You are staring at me."   
  
"You are the one who almost broke the chair and was mumbling incoherent words."   
  
He sighed and sat up straight. "Well, I just don't have a date to Valentine's Day anymore." He muttered and sighed again. Ha, poor Danny and here I thought he was getting lucky this time. Martin and I weren't the only losers around, after all.   
  
I chuckled as I bent my head down to resume my reading. It was a big surprise to me. For the first time Danny didn't have a date. And he seemed really annoyed about it. And I had a date, yup; I had a date. Not a date, date, but still a date. With Martin. It doesn't matter what we were going to do or why, we still were going out on Valentine's Day.   
  
"And what is this smile all about?" He asked suddenly, breaking my not so concentration on my task at hand.   
  
I looked up a bit startled by being interrupted like this. "Humm?"   
  
"This smile." He gave me a smile of his own. "You're smiling like a schoolgirl. Are you going out this Valentine's Day?"   
  
I tilted my head and shook slightly, raising an eyebrow at him. "Not going to tell."   
  
His smiled widened, turning into a big smirk. He got up and pulled back the chair nearest me then sat. He put his elbow on the table and rested his head on his hand, staring at me. "So, who is he?"   
  
"Who is he...?"   
  
"Of course. If you weren't going out then you would have said 'no' but you spoke in a way like 'ooo, I'm getting lucky..' and now I'm curious."   
  
"I'm not getting luck, Danny." Nope, I wasn't. I would be luck if I even survived through the day without having a heart attack.   
  
"Yeah, right." He scoffed and started chuckling.   
  
"I'm not! Martin and I are going sailing, that's all." As soon as the words left my mouth I covered it with my hand and widened my eyes. Damn it Danny! I didn't want to tell people, especially him, about that and now the always so annoying Danny made me say and he would bug me for the rest of my life.   
  
"Oh my God! Martin?? Why didn't you tell me? And sailing?"   
  
I closed my just as I let out a big sigh. Me and my big mouth. "There's nothing between me and Martin. Nothing!" But it didn't mean I didn't want that there was something between us...   
  
"And you are going out with him on Valentine's Day because..."   
  
I looked down at the paper I was reading before and re-resumed reading. "Because we're a couple of losers who don't have a date.." I murmured and Danny started laughing.   
  
"Just because you don't want to."   
  
I shot him my evil look and stuck my tongue out at him. God, this guy can be really annoying sometimes... He laughed again and didn't stop staring at me. I pretended to read my so interesting paper and didn't look back at Danny. But soon his staring started to feel uncomfortable and creepy. "Can you stop, please, staring at me?" I asked without looking at him.   
  
Neither Danny didn't hear my plead or didn't care because he just kept staring and changed the issue. Well, my issue because he went back to Martin.. "Since when Martin knows how to sail, anyway?"   
  
I brought my eyes up and met Danny's full of curiosity. "I found out today when he asked me."   
  
"You never knew he sailed and agreed to go?" And then Danny started laughing once again. Goddamn it...   
  
"So what? At least I have a date..."   
  
He stopped laughing right away and looked at me faking a very faked hurt expression. "Ouch." he put a hand over his chest. "You hurt me Samantha."   
  
I rolled my eyes and, again, looked at my so loved, nice and interesting paper. "My pleasure."   
  
He let his hand drop and sighed dramatically. Didn't catch my attention. "All right, I am going." He got up and when I thought I was finally of Danny and his so constant interrogation, I heard his voice, very amused voice. "Just don't go get wet. I don't trust to go sailing with someone I never knew sailed."   
  
* * * 


	8. Chapter Eight

Author's note: So, people, that's the last part. I'm absolutely clueless as to Sam's life and past so everything in here is completely made up. Any mistakes (especially grammar) you'll have to forgive me.   
  
All right, Broni, this chapter is for you. Here they will finally kiss.  
  
Enjoy and please, review :) (no flames, though, unless it's really necessary)  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Part Eight  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Hey there, sail boy."   
  
He stopped undoing the knot and looked up at me with a smile already on his lips. "Hey there."   
  
I gave him a smile, because you know, it's hard not smile when Martin gives you one of his smiles. Really hard. Specially when it's one that makes you melt. "I brought the food." I lifted the paper bag so he could see it.   
  
He raised both eyebrows and tried to restrain his laugh. "MacDonald's?"   
  
"Hey, you said I should bring the food. You didn't tell me what you wanted to eat." I raised my eyebrow, just because. "And I brought beers" He narrowed his eyes in a very inquiry-y kind of way. "Just in case. We never know... I mean I'm going to stay with you for a whole day."   
  
"Don't forget you're going to be here too. These beers could come very in hand to me." He replied and stretched one hand to hold the box with the beers and with the other he helped me to get inside the boat.   
  
The boat was shaking... it was making moves I didn't like... and the wind was blowing very hard. And I didn't know if Martin could sail. "Thanks." I muttered and used my now free hand to put a lock of hair that the wind had blown on my face, behind my ear.   
  
"And what is this sweatshirt, anyway?" He asked with a hint of laugh in his voice.  
  
"Danny gave it to me. I just thought it'd be a good occasion to use it." I said looking down at his so cool present. Very Danny-like. "It could be the only one..."   
  
"Isn't it a little too... big...?"   
  
I laughed as I put down the bag with the food and then stood to look at him. "Don't you think I didn't notice it when I put it on?"   
  
"I'm sure you did." He said laughing too.   
  
"I think he tried this on a fat person because he hadn't idea how fat I am..."   
  
"And you are really, really fat."   
  
I giggled and joined him on the side of the boat where he was finishing undoing the knots to finally put the boat out sea, or, err, whatever they call it... With all the wind sail wouldn't be a problem but what was scaring me was that if it started raining we'd have no place to hide and I'd kill Martin for that.   
  
* * *   
  
"Can you repeat again?" I scoffed with a hint of annoyance in my voice and bit my hamburger. I really like MacDonald's. I raised an eyebrow when he didn't answer and waved my hand at him.   
  
"I never said I STILL knew how to sail." He threw his arms up in frustration and finally gave on trying to do whatever he had to do with that sail and sat beside me.   
  
The second he did that my body tensed up. My heart skipped a beat and soon started beating quicker than it should. And I really got scared about my heart. I started shifting trying to get a little away from him. Why, God, had he sit this close? I could feel the warmth of his body right onto mine and, truth be told, it was a bit irritating... I closed the box with my half eaten hamburger and put it away. I didn't want to eat anymore; my stomach was too wild to keep any food in there.   
  
Why he had to sit this close? I could feel his smell right into my nose. Not that it was a bad thing, because, God, he really smelled good, but right now it was causing me an effect that I couldn't control. I don't mind sitting this close, but not when emotions like this were running through me. Especially when the person who it belongs to was right there. And somebody, tell me this, how exactly was I supposed to act?   
  
"Last time I sailed I was nine years old. How do you want me to remember so much stuff?"   
  
Ok, conversation. Yes, that's right, talk; it'll make everything easy. "Aren't you the golden boy?"   
  
He laughed and grabbed a cookie. "Says who?"   
  
I smiled and looked down at my hands. Golden boy... yeah... I saw the box with beers beside me and they seemed really tempting. I grabbed it and opened, then give one to Martin and took one to myself. "Here... We're gonna need it." And, as he took the beer, his hand had to touch mine. Fucking electricity... "I told you it'd be a good idea..."   
  
"For the first time I'm glad you're right." He chuckled and just when he brought the beer to his mouth I slapped him, making him split his beer. "Hey!" He scolded but he was smiling.   
  
I took a sip of my own beer and we kept silence for a while. Until I broke it. "So, did you like to sail with your father?"   
  
He looked at me with that big mysterious smile and shook his head. "I hated."  
  
"You hated and still, you asked me?" I was perplexed, how could him? He didn't know how to sail plus he didn't like it??   
  
"It's not that I hated sailing, I hated doing it with my father. He had no patience to teach me." His voice held a hint of sadness and I wondered if it was a good idea that we had brought this issue up. "So, did you use to do things with your father?"   
  
I froze in the middle of taking a sip of my beer. I slowly brought it down and bt my lips as my finger played with hem of the glass. "No." I whispered and tried to keep a tear from falling. I never had a father to begin with...   
  
"Sam?" He asked concerned and turned to me. "What is it?"   
  
"Nothing... I just don't want to talk about it."   
  
"You sure? I'm here to listen if you want."   
  
I bit my inner cheek, wondering back and forth if I should tell him something... I never felt this intimate with someone; God, I had never even felt like I feel towards him. One part of me wanted to just open up and let him know about my life but the other, the one always protective didn't want to. This part was small, but always won. I was sick of it. I had to let my other part be the winner sometime. "My father left me when I was five."  
  
"Sam, if you..." He started speaking but I cut him off. I couldn't let him speak or I would lose my courage to say to him what I was about to say.   
  
"I woke up one morning and he had left. Just like that. Without saying bye, without a letter. Nothing. He was just gone. It is funny because I remember of him being always so kind and loving. My hero..."  
  
"Sometimes this happens..." He whispered.   
  
"My mother and I lived by ourselves, taking care of the house and each other. It was wonderful. Just the two of us until one day she met that guy, Rob and married him. I was twelve and anything in that age was enough to screw everyone's life. I hated him. My mom changed since then. She was just another person. She didn't..." Suddenly tears started falling from my eyes and I just couldn't stop them. The pain inside me for remembering that was becoming too much. "She never kissed me or hugged me again. Rob took over our house, our lives. He was the one who always told what to do there. It was my house but mom always stood by him."  
  
I didn't want to tell him that. To tell how miserable my life was, how unhappy I was. I didn't want to tell him anything, but his presence, his warmth, his smell, it made me want to open up, to get rid of the pain by telling someone about all the bad things that happened.   
  
"I started drinking and smoking and going out with boys.. I was thirteen the first time I had sex." I covered my face and started crying louder and harder. I regretted everything I had done, everything I had said. I felt Martin's hand on the back of my neck, his fingers gently mapping unknown figures there. His touch gave me strength and I looked up at him again. I was still crying, but I looked at him. "I got pregnant and gave birth to a baby girl when I was sixteen. I had to give her away. I didn't want to but I had..."   
  
Rob said that if I kept the baby he would throw me out of home. It wasn't his house but mom stood by him, like she always did. I had to choose. I couldn't keep my baby and live in the streets. I hadn't even finished school and I'd not be able to find a job to support us. I told them the house was mine. When dad bought it he put it in my name so no one could take it from us and it was mine. I told Rob that but he threatened my baby. He said that if the baby stayed one day I could wake up and find her gone, just like my father, or worse, not breathing, because I was too young to take care of her and I could let something slip.   
  
I had to give her away...   
  
He didn't work; he was an alcoholic and treated me as if I was nothing. But he treated my mom as if she was a queen, he did everything for her and she'd never believe if I told her something bad about Rob. She worked all day to keep us and wanted me to work too because she couldn't handle everything alone. I told her to fuck off and to tell her man to do something instead of watching TV all day and she slapped me on the face. She had never touched me before and never asked sorry for what she did.   
  
When I was 18 Rob and her were caught in a car accident and he died. I was happy, really happy because I wouldn't have to handle him anymore and my mom would be back to what she was, but she didn't. She blamed me for Rob's death because they had to stop by the drugstore to buy me some stuff - I had gone to a party the previously night and thrown myself in the pool even with we were in the winter and got a pneumonia. She said it was my fault because if I hadn't done that I wouldn't be sick and they wouldn't have to stop by the drugstore, where a drunk man was driving by. It wasn't my fault but I felt like it.   
  
Since then I stopped being the way I was and started studying. All I wanted was to go to college and be away from her. To have my own life and never again need her or anyone.   
  
I told Martin all of that, in between sobs and cries, I told him that and why family to me was something painful. Just because I didn't have one.   
  
I looked up at him, searching his eyes and the warmth they gave to me. The strength I always found in them. He was all I needed that moment.   
  
He tilted his head as he stared at me. He then leaned towards me, wrapping his strong arms around me with a hug. I held onto him and buried my face in his neck. His smell made me feel like no other, the essence of it was the same of the last time he hugged me like that. The pleasure was great, but so was the pain inside my body. I blinked, involuntarily allowing the more tears to come crashing down. I felt the hot and salty drops roll down my cheeks and onto my lips. They kept falling and I couldn't stop them. The pain was too much, plus the warmth and the comfort of his body was causing a strange effect on me. I was hurting too much; more than I imagined and more than I could handle.   
  
Him whispering soft and comforting words in my ears brought me back to reality and the unusual situation we were in. Suddenly being in his arms was just too much to bear with so I pulled away.  
  
"Sam." He whispered my name as if it was a forbidden or maybe a holy word. "Look at me." He asked but I didn't.   
  
I was going to turn and face him eventually but I didn't have to due to him doing it for me. He placed his soft fingers under my chin and gently moved my face. As our eyes locked and melt together, Martin moved his fingers to my face and let his hand rest on my cheek, and soon his other hand had followed and he cupped my face, his thumbs softly brushing my tears away.  
  
The power of his gaze was too strong and I felt the need to look away. I didn't really want to, but I had said too much already, I had opened up too much. I felt the necessity for some space, his closeness was disturbing and making me lost my breath. My chest felt heavy and the air was coming in too little amounts. I needed to breath. Funny, I never knew I was claustrophobic.   
  
I stood, his hands falling from my face, the warmth of them already missed. I walked to the other side of the boat, crossing my arms as I did so. It was so chilly; the wind was so sharp and cold. I missed the warmth his closeness provided, the safety I felt by being near him. I needed some space and to be alone, or so I thought because turned out to be that I needed him more than I wanted him away. That being without him was much harder and difficult than having his smell and warmth with me.   
  
I bit my lip as I thought about what to do. Since when had I become so dependent of him? I inquired myself, even thought I knew I wasn't of much help. I think deep down I always depended of him, even if I wasn't aware of it. I was a bit hurt that he didn't follow me, even knowing he was giving me the space I silently asked for. Part of me still wanted him to have followed me.  
  
I turned so I was facing him. Seeing I had finally looked at him, he stood and walked towards me. Before I could do or say anything he wrapped his arms around me, hugging me again. After a while he pulled back and stared at me.   
  
"It's all right." He leaned in and whispered in my ear, one hand stroking my hair and the other on the small of my back. "Cry it all out. I'm here for you and will be as long as you want me." Them he pulled away again but just enough to look at me. His words soothed me, comforted me and sent a welcoming warmth to my heart.   
  
My body shivered with delight as our eyes locked, making me wonder for the millionth time how it would be to kiss him. I could feel emotions rushing through my body. I stared into his eyes, I read something in them that I couldn't quite make out, just before he leaned in and placed a small kiss on my lips.   
  
It was amazing, nothing I had experienced before. It was a nice, simple butterfly kiss, but yet something much more.   
  
He pulled away and gave me a warm smile and I returned it. I looked back in his eyes and that was when I realized it, it was all clear. His lips against mine for a brief moment was all I needed, it made my feelings for sure, it sealed it. I knew now, I knew how it felt like, how the feeling felt like. It felt good, much more than good. I knew now how love felt like. I knew I was in love.  
  
Because I've fallen in love with him.... I've fallen in love with Martin.  
  
* * *   
  
I had never felt so safe in my life. I had slept with many guys and been held by a lot, but I had never felt so safe like I did being in Martin's arms. I always felt safe in Jack's arms and I thought it was a wonderful thing and that I'd never feel as strongly for someone else. Boy I was wrong. With Martin it was different, it was good, comfortable, warm. It felt like home. It was a feeling like if it was a cold day and you were wrapped in a fluffy blanket with hot cocoa and marshmallow in front of the fireplace.   
  
I felt similar thing with Jack, he was the closet thing to home. But we had slept together and with Martin it felt like home and we hadn't even slept together yet. We were just there, laying on the floor of the boat, his arms around me and a blanket covering us, while we were mute just staring at the sky. It was starry and seemed it'd be sunny tomorrow.  
  
I had a big smile plastered over my face and goose skin on my arms as Martin ran a his fingers over my hand, softly caressing it. I snuggled more into him and breathed in deeply to feel his smell better. Even after a whole sailing he still smelled good.  
  
"Cold?"   
  
"Mmmm." I shook my head and as I linked our hands my eyes slowly closed. He tightened his arms around me and placed a small kiss, that I barely felt, on the top of my head, then let his face rest there.   
  
"It's late." He whispered and his breath was warm and right on my head. "We should go."   
  
"Mmmm" I nodded, agreeing with him, but didn't move. This was so good and I was so comfortable I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to move. I just wanted to stay there, in his arms.   
  
"It's really late."   
  
"It's Sunday tomorrow."   
  
"And this means...?"   
  
"We can stay the night." After that he kept quite and I think he had silently agreed with me. I pulled away and put both my hands over his chest so I could look at him. Even in the darkness I could see his blue eyes shinning and his face relaxed. There was no light over us except the stars and moon.   
  
Some locks of my hair had loosened from the ponytail and as I moved over him, they fell over my face. Very gingerly Martin's hand reached out and put the locks behind my ear, then let his hand rest on my cheek. His hand was warm and gently against my skin. I tilted my head, leaned it in his touch then I turned it and kissed the palm of his hand.   
  
I put one hand above another and rested my chin over them. I stayed like that, staring at Martin as he did the same. One of his hands was on my back, caressing it and the other was playing with a rebel lock of my hair.   
  
Suddenly I felt like telling him a very important thing and before I could stop myself, my mouth opened and words came out. "Can I tell you something?" I whispered. Looking in his eyes, I wanted to tell him right there, tell him I love you with every single ounce of my soul and heart. Tell him I wanted him to be with me, tell him I fell for him. I wanted to tell him everything, even if it couldn't be formed into words.   
  
"Anything." He whispered back, his mouth so close to mine I could feel his warm breath onto my lips. His hand was playing with a lock of my hair, the other was on my back, caressing it, his eyes were deep into mine and I felt myself falling in them.   
  
I took in a deep breath and slowly opened my mouth and then, I let it all out with my breath. "I love you."   
  
His hand stopped moving on my back, he stopped playing with my hair, but the stars were still up in the sky and his eyes were still on mine, They shone in a way I never thought it was possible. I think it was the moon reflecting in his eyes or maybe it was just the power of my words. Whatever it was, it made his eyes even more beautiful than they were.   
  
I saw his mouth opening at the same time it turned into a smile. "I love you too." He whispered the words out, very slowly and carefully.   
  
I smiled a big happy smile and let out a big breath of relief, one I didn't know I was holding. Martin brought his hands to my face as I leaned in and touched his lips with my own. It was amazing, the kiss, the sensation of his hands on me, the situation... I pulled away just enough to breathe and kissed him again.   
  
.......  
  
He made me feel... so goddamn good. He sent my heart skipping away in pure happiness, and gave this electrifying shock that went throughout my entire body with just a simple touch from him. He made me actually know that there was something actually pleasant out there, something worthy; and not by words, but just by the simple presence of him being there. The way he looked at me with that look, that nobody had ever given to me before, in his eyes, actually made my heart flutter. He gave me these things, these feelings, that were so unknown before... And it's beautiful. It's amazing. It's wonderful.  
  
........  
  
And we stayed like that.... just making out under the stars....  
  
THE END 


End file.
